SUNDAY!

7:08 AM
Well. Yep, I am.

Hanging out in my room.

Shit. Where’s the remote?

To the overhead light.

And I lost it.

It’s just buried under crap.

I really need to clean up my room, but I’m fuckin tired. I am and it sucks. But uh, Gosh. I was going to make a really sad post last night but I didn’t. I just, I talked it out. But I didn’t post it.

I have been having really bad problems with my allergies. And stuff lately, and also I’ve just been really negative and depressed and it sucks.

But last night,

God. Everything is so stupid. I was just thinking about like this weather app just went off. And it’s a piece of shit. Anyways, it just buzzes the hell out of my phone and is giving me some kind of weather update that doesn’t matter. It actually, it told me to check the weather and

Not get any kind of.

Crazy surprises about the weather. I don’t know. Check the weather now and I’m like Busy. What was the last 1? It says, it’s, it’s 44 degrees and it’s clear. Yeah. That’s that’s all I need to know right now.

But, Um yesterday I got up and got around and I thought you know I was doing pretty well went and checked the sink drain at my roommate’s Studio. Because it was, I wasn’t sure what was going on, but it was just this, uh, Drain part that was easy to fix. I was hoping it wasn’t the pump.

I was praying. It was not the pump because that thing took I don’t know how. I built that thing together. I willed it. Yeah, together in there with uh, my brain with my mind. I don’t, I don’t know.

It would take some. I would have to redo some stuff if I had to take it out and put it back. I’d have to cut all that shit out. I like everything I had to retrofit it. Is that the correct word retrofit? Well, I took a new 1 out.

And put an old 1 back in. Oh no. Yeah. It was really, it’s kind of a dumb story behind it, but Um, Luckily I was able to fix it. I don’t know, I was just glad that’s what it was, not that yeah, thank God. Anyways, and I came back here and I finished painting that room. Oh my God. Finally, I should have finished it. Days ago, but the transition week from Night, Shift to day shift is very hard. And I have, I’ve been really struggling lately with a positive outlook. I just uh, I don’t see my kids enough. And I get really like I’m so weird and just I am so alienated feeling from at work. You know, everybody there is they are just so much different than I am.

And I really do wish I had a lady. I don’t know why that’s been so difficult, but Actually I do. Yeah, maybe that’ll change soon.

But um, yeah, I got back. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. The uh,

I finished painting that room. I think it was about noon when I got finished with everything and I came back and I laid down in my bed and I thought I’ll just take a nap. You know I figured a 2 or 3 hour nap. And the next thing I knew it was almost 900 p.m. Yep. So uh dang I slept the whole day away that really made me depressed.

Um, so depressed that I stayed up.

A couple of hours and I took a bunch of shit that made me fall back asleep. And I woke back up about 2:30 and I thought well, this is good enough. You know, I usually get up at 2:30 or 3:00 a.m. every morning. Anyways on day shift, So if I can make myself stay up, but then here I am in the bed and I just turn my light off, so I don’t know. I don’t know how far I’m going to make it but it’s early enough, if I do go to sleep,

Maybe it won’t, uh, be so bad like way though, it’s like No. Yeah, it’s bad. I just drank a bunch of coffee and practiced my music in the garage. And my voice isn’t as awful. As uh, it has been, it’s gotten better, but now it’s just out of shape. So I was able to hit the high note.

With 2 after 2 takes anyways uh, in Universe girl at the very end there. So I guess there’s some hope.

But then I came upstairs and I was thinking about what a shitty, fucking dad. I am. Yeah, and I mean, that by like I don’t get to see my kids like ever, that’s why I go so overboard when I get them.

But I was just thinking about how You know, I just felt like the biggest failure fuck up Dad ever. And it’s because I’m not around my kids. Any more like seriously, twice a month like 2 weekends, a month? I get my kids and it sucks. I talk to them all the time. But it’s not the same, you know?

I just feel awful about it because I still after 8 years, haven’t gotten used to not being a part of their daily lives. I don’t know, I try to look at my life. I take a step back and look at it, like the whole big picture and it actually makes it kind of more sad because I do, I feel like I lived my life. And I did a lot of stuff. I had a big life and then it was over it was like it was like an apocalypse and then I’m living in like a post-apocalyptic World in my brain. Yeah, like this is the post divorce. That’s how my life can be divided into 2 parts. It it’s really funny, it’s not though. Because if it wasn’t for my kids, I’d blow my fucking brains out in a second.

Jesus Christ, I struggle with that more than anything else. I think is the will to, uh, Get up every day and keep doing it. It’s really hard.

And it hasn’t gotten any better. It’ll get like I’ll have, you know, periods where I’ll be like, hey, you know, but it always at some point always gets back to that.

It’s been really hard the last few weeks. Because I just feel so pointless. You know, it’s like I did it though. I did my life, it’s like, you know, it’s never going to

It’s like a I’m like a dead flower. Or something a damn you know, it’s all wilted and fucking You know, I bloomed already. Yeah, that’s kind of

You know, I mean, Yeah, that’s what I mean when I take take a step back and look at my life. That was it, you know,

Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just being a fucking Stupid asshole, but that’s how it feels.

Uh, You know, I at 1 time I was

You know, I could say I spoke 5 languages, you know, I can’t do that anymore. Yeah, it’s really fucked up and my brains just don’t like this. This 1 song, I have called dinosaurs and I wrote it on Banjo. So the chord progression is a little weird, uh, in on guitar and I never can play it. Correctly.

Uh, all the way through always fuck up. On guitar

And there’s like, there’s something wrong with my brain. And it’s, it’s Just it’s like they’ve just deteriorated to, you know, I just It’s 1 of those. A lot of times, I feel like it’s it’s like 1 of those video games, you know, where you like. You make a character like an RPG and you just fucked everything up and it’s like well shit, you know, it’s just not any fun anymore. And you’d rather just start over with a different character. That’s how that’s how I feel about my life.

That’s how I have felt about my life for a while. Because, uh, it’s almost like Outside of the weekends. I get my kids. I don’t exist. It’s weird. Like I don’t do anything for myself. I don’t, you know, I try to keep In my music and stuff. And and get that keeps me from That keeps my head a float a little bit, you know? And uh, It is why I had such a bad drinking problem for so long. And it’s just been 1 stupid thing after another and I get so lonely and, and sad and I mean I could just say so much you know, even though my life, Is better in a lot of ways than it has been. It’s, it’s really crazy too.

It’s hard for me to see.

Uh, see the positive and a lot of stuff most of the time. Especially when I’m by myself. It’s just like dang, you know, it’s so old

Right. Just like I’m ready to move on to something else. Yep.

And I struggle with that, like, all the time. You know what? I don’t think about it. When I’m with my kids because I’m happy, but the rest of the time. It’s just it’s it’s all I can do and it’s really funny because uh it it you try to talk about that with people and it worries and scares them like at work, I won’t talk about shit at work with anybody because they get freaked out. And it’s like, well you don’t understand and they don’t want to because it scares them, you know.

But life isn’t You know, it doesn’t get to be.

The way it, you know for everybody it’s not

Not everybody gets to care about themselves, you know, and and feel like they matter so much, and and it’s all relative Yeah, there’s some people would Really wish they could do a lot of the things that I can do, but It’s like so, so what? All you got to do is learn it. I mean, that’s all I did and a lot of stuff I learned to do, because I had to, like with house remodeling. And that was the only thing I could do and especially when I didn’t have a car, you know, I just walked next door. That’s my boss was next door when I lived in The Farmhouse and I learned that stuff because if I didn’t work I didn’t eat. I didn’t have any money, you know, and I was so screwed up. I was so much more screwed up then.

I didn’t have a electricity for a year, you know, because I spent A lot of my money on fucked up a lot of shit. I was so screwed up uh trying to date this girl up here that chick that you know.

Because I thought well you know, if we could like I just I don’t know. I thought we could Like be like I wanted to marry her and I figured, you know, everything would work out and stuff and I would end up we would move in together or something. I had all this stupid shit in my head. And I just couldn’t maintain a presence up here anymore to like, I don’t know, once I really got, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, you know, I never dated or anything before. I only had my ex-wife for 18 years. And, you know, it took a couple months but I realized this none of that was going to happen. At all. And so I broke it off with her and You know, I had

Neglected a lot of stuff. But it was the void, you know, it was the I hadn’t even been divorced for a year.

Just I was consumed with this emptiness. It was a, it was a vacuum that was, you know, less than empty.

And was just pulling all everything in. That’s why, you know, I, I talk about the post divorce girlfriends. Like, it was

7:23 AM
You know, like I had

Yeah, 3, girlfriends. And a fiance in a year and a half, you know, and it wasn’t just like, you know, I was just dating some chick and then like You know, I was like in stupid crazy love, like, every 1 of them. It was like, It was so crazy. But,

You know, a couple of them were way crazier than I was like, Stephanie and Hannah. They were they were also a big reason That’s why I’ve been single for 5 years.

Yep. But anyways, I don’t know. I’m just trying to like

Make myself feel better because I have been really sad so I’m trying to make sense of all of it again in my head.

So I don’t feel so, so awful and I am, you know, really tired. I guess I shouldn’t feel bad about sleeping so much because I don’t I don’t rest like I ought to

Last weekend was rotation weekend and like it’s just it fucks up everything when you have to rotate. All shifts the first week especially and everybody is Afflicted with

You know.

It, you know, everybody’s ill and mad and fucking, I just kind of have to back away from some stuff, co-worker crap, you know, because they get on my fucking nerves and I get on their nerves, we get, we all irritate the hell out of each other. A lot more on the rotation week. Because none of us have gotten enough sleep.

And it’s always that. And then the the first week back from the shutdown, And you would be surprised like uh, it doesn’t matter how old you are. There’s I have co-workers in their early 20s, or there’s a teenager, 1 of our co-workers is an 18 year old. And uh when you come when we all came back from a winter shutdown, that first week just in a week and a half, uh, it, our bodies got like out of shape, we had to get used to the work again and everybody was sore and mad and Ill.

So that’s what, you know, you have to deal with at a car factory. It’s not just the work, it’s the social dynamics, and the, uh, the hours, the shifts and everything. It’s, it’s so much And everything’s so big and spread out, it’s like a quarter of a mile from the parking lot To our break room every day. I think. And just the amount of walking you do in your process.

Everybody like walks a lot of miles like 10 miles a day.

Average, I guess. Yeah. It’s just it’s a crazy job. Any kind of car factory? The trade-off is that they pay very well for entry-level factory work.

I think, uh, I’ll be topping out, they just gave us a raise. I’ll be topping out at almost 37 an hour. Which is pretty decent money.

But it is such a hard job. This is the hardest job I’ve ever had all around.

You have to be fucking crazy to work at a car factory and like Thrive. In that fucking You know, in that. Whole the environment and culture and everything it’s it’s really it’s a remarkable deal. I don’t know that You know, if I don’t end up getting some kind of offline job, I don’t know how long I’m going to stay there. I might retire from there and I might just work there, you know, for a couple more years. It really depends on what all Happens. And

I don’t really understand the world anymore. Either. But a lot of that is, I’m so out of touch with everything.

1 of my roommates is up.

I wonder which 1. Anyways though I need to do my chores today, it’s just really nice to lay down.

Again, and not be mashing. Um,

Plastic clips into the holes. In the cars and throwing giant wiring harnesses into cars and

Fastening fucking Lift gate latches and Ecms and fucking just like all that shit getting in and out of a car sitting down and standing up. 70 times, a fucking quarter. It’s just like, you know, it’s nice not to do anything after all a week of that shit.

Having to readjust your brain to waking up, you know, to being awake during the day instead of being asleep. Yeah.

It’s just it’s funny. So that all that stuff, you know messes with my perception of reality

Absolutely. And but it’s like that for everybody and some people just can’t take it, some people crack the fuck up and they uh We have a guy who’s on, I think he’s, he’s taking a leave of absence. You can do that stuff. If you get too fucking crazy, you can Talk to people and they’ll document it like medically and fucking give you. Time off. Yeah. You don’t get paid for it but you get like

You know, however, much you need.

And I guess the junk position between the human. The junk deposition. Yeah. Between the junk to position. Junk to position. Really. The contrast, I guess from the fucking You know, The Human Condition versus like you have to Be like a robot. It’s

A, and sometimes it is, it’s really hard. It’s like you can just Feel your body getting really.

Tired. Do you get so sick of it? Yeah, you get sick as fuck of doing the same thing over and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over and over. It it just it makes you like crazy.

So, I mean that’s, you know, that’s what I’m saying. I don’t know if I’m going to work there forever or not. But right now, I have to, and You know, I’ll probably

I have no idea. Yeah, but I’ve worked. I’ve worked there. For over a year, this is the longest. I’ve worked anywhere. Since I got divorced and, uh,

I probably will work there forever unless something happens with my music or when the lottery.

You know, or I win the lottery. Yep.

Well, this app’s being really stupid and picking up everything stupid and I’m talking stupid. So, It’s going to be a lot to edit.

Thank you, please.