UGH MONDAY

4:26 AM

4:26 AM
Okay, yeah, I am driving to work. Gosh, what have I done this weekend over the weekend? I slept A lot.

But it wasn’t enough.

It’s never enough.

Oh, let’s take a Claritin.

I did I took a Claritin haha.

Um, it’s cold. Yeah, and I have to stop up here. I’m going to stop up here. What?

I guess this is a 1 of those trucks that Move trailers or houses or something? Pulled out. A bunch of. Dust all over the road.

That’s what it looks like.

Well anyways, yeah I made a reel of Um, Me playing bass. On the uh, song from Not my concept album that I’m I have been working on but this other album I’ve been working on I’m not really sure what to call it. It’s just a bunch of weird songs.

God damn. That’s a dirty ass fucking truck. That’s what it looks like. It looks like 1 of those trucks that hauls uh that you know pulls the the wide load trailer or the houses like it. It’s a house mover truck or something. It looks like it’s got all the dirt from what would be underneath the house?

Yeah. Makes me miss house, remodeling.

Me fixing that hole and Repainting. That room and everything makes me miss house. Remodeling a lot. That was uh, that was my favorite all-around job that I ever had. That wasn’t music related.

And I always like every day was an adventure. I always got to take cool pictures and videos of things.

You know, it was uh, it was great. I also made a reel of myself playing Bionic Commando. I sucked at it real bad. I died.

Game over. And that was, uh, it was kind of funny. So I made a video of that and posted it. And I got, Like almost immediately. In like an hour. I got like 800 fucking views. And then uh the thing I just posted of me playing bass, I got a couple hundred or so it’s Really funny. I don’t understand how Facebook works anymore.

Because I used to get so many reactions.

Uh I mean I could post any old bullshit and get 30 or 40 Reactions and if I posted a selfie or something, I would get easily get 60 like in no time and sometimes they would go up to 130. I think, uh, 1 of them got over 200, which is a lot for me. Yeah, and it made me like feel important and stuff and I don’t I don’t have that anymore. I just have a bunch of co-worker chicks who stalk my shit, who never. Uh, they never send me friend requests or anything. It’s It’s really crazy.

But, I get really depressed. I had to talk myself. Out of, uh,

Like a bunch of Suicidal Thoughts earlier.

And the pooty girl roommate. She’s been popping up on Instagram and I brought myself to look at her thing and it’s like, you know,

I really do like and I have, I talked all about her. I guess the month of March And some of April.

How beautiful she is and how I wish she could have been somebody that I could have fallen in love with, but I there’s no way. Yeah, there’s just no fucking way. It’s sad. It makes me really sad.

Because I could tell she liked me. And I was just like, you know, I can’t reciprocate that because This chick, the first thing out of my daughter’s mouth is that she looked like a cokehead Yeah, a cokehead and uh, I was like, well, you know, it’s probably Something like that. There was a bunch of drama that went on. Oh,

Like the last few weeks and she is no longer allowed at the house. She’s friends with the roommate the one that took me back and forth to work. But like she’s not allowed at the house anymore but the roommate 3D prints. Like stuff for her all the time and 1 of her friends came over there and picked it up the other day. And I was like well dang you know if the boss lady roommate knew about that If she knew about that, you know she’d probably get mad.

But I don’t know. I still don’t like. The fact that she got my old room. And I didn’t get that room offered back to me that insulted the hell out of me.

But uh, you know I can’t live live there forever. And I’m way too, nice. Way to fucking nice.

Oh my God. I am. I’m so nice.

And I don’t know why.

It makes me sad to be mean.

It does.

Uh, even as much as it hurts to have to deal with some people, but I don’t want to talk about that crap anymore. I don’t know. It’s a new week.

Um, I get paid. Wednesday.

Thursday is my daughter’s band concert that’s going to be a hoot.

And then we’ll probably go eat somewhere after that expensive.

I said, yeah.

And then I’ll probably get them. Uh, for the weekend if they don’t have plans.

I just wish I had 1 more day off. But you know what? I didn’t spend any money yesterday, did I? I think I, I did. I went out and got coffee like, really early. And worked on music and stuff.

Or was that Saturday?

I don’t know. I don’t Really know. I slept so much, I had such weird times. That, um, I don’t know what I did. I can’t remember if I played music yesterday morning or Saturday morning, isn’t that funny?

I think it was yesterday morning though.

Gosh. What else can I say? I don’t know. I’m just keeping up my post Streak. I don’t really have a lot of new stuff to talk about. I really don’t want. It’s the same old crap. It’s been all year and I’ve been struggling with you know, whether or not I should just Kill myself. Or not, you know? And that’s like, that’s been all. That’s been this whole year, for me pretty much

But uh,

I wish I didn’t feel like that because I have a lot of stuff to be happy about.

I don’t.

I don’t know why I have to deal with dumb crap. Like that, I would be There’s no telling if it wasn’t for like mental, you know, psychological shit. I would.

Be a lot better off, right? I didn’t have stuff like that until like,

Until I moved in with my ex-wife. Yeah, that’s when I like, I don’t know. It took a little bit but I started getting depressed. I had never been depressed before. It was weird. And I just, I don’t know. It’s like I said, like the kids

And the dogs. And my grandmother, you know, those are like my happiest memories with other people and stuff and uh

It’s really easy for me if because I don’t see my kids on a regular basis, they’re the only things that remind me that I didn’t waste my life. Uh but a lot of times, you know, when I’m just out here by myself it’s like Wow. I exist. I don’t know. Why do I exist? I have no idea. I am I’m miserable and sad and alone. 90% of the time.

And if people, like people at work, like co-worker chicks, who act like I’m this fucking asshole piece of shit because I don’t talk to them. If they had any idea what goes through my head like most of the time?

I don’t know. Maybe they wouldn’t think I was an asshole. Yeah, I just sometimes I want to just blow my fucking brains out just to show the world. Like, hey, Ya! Yeah, it was that bad. Yep. It was. And that’s how I feel most of the time and it’s stupid, I realize that, but I that’s just what I have to deal with. Anyways.

Um, gosh. I know that turned really negative.

I am, uh, Almost to the Shell station. And I’m going to get coffee.

And I hope that guy, isn’t there getting his 2 cups of coffee? Cuz that’s weird. Yeah, that guy was weird. He was weird the last time I was there and uh I don’t know what else to say. Yeah, people fucking I don’t know where I belong in this fucking world of people anymore.

Stupid. It is so fucking stupid. Thank you, please.