Thursdaÿ

   

4:31 AM
Hey, let’s make a post.

Um, I’m driving to work, of course.

Yeehaw.

I’m just like, uh fucking I got around early enough, so I’m going to go to the gym.

And that’ll be okay, here.

I hope the bench press machine is fixed.

If it’s not. That’s sucks. But whatever.

I was just thinking that was like, dang, I miss my kids. I miss my kids so much. All the time. It really, it’s really hard. It’s the only thing I really care about is the kids. You know, and That’s another big reason why. I’m like, I am too. I just don’t.

Care about stuff like.

Myself and my own personal stuff. I don’t care about it that much. I care about my kids. And when I go a long time, like,

You know, more than a couple weeks without seeing the kids, I talk to them every day. But, you know, I’ll start to get like really, really detached.

And I have a tendency to do that. Anyways I just I don’t know, I feel like the last this week especially I’ve just gotten really wrapped up in my own crap especially since I shaved my head I just feel so different. Even though, like, Chicks are staring at me even more. It’s kind of funny. It’s like, well, I don’t feel that.

Um, I just don’t feel like I’m all that great. I never have. I mean when I did back when I did, I it was when I was married, you know? And Stuff and I don’t think I have felt really great about myself though.

Ever. Yeah, I’ve always kind of hated myself.

Yeah, that’s kind of weird. Isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know. It’s uh,

It’s just the parents I had a lot of that Is. My parents, I can blame my parents for a lot of stuff. And there’s uh, you know, they’re way worse, parents. Out there. But I don’t know, I had really selfish parents. And, I don’t know, I guess, I just, I don’t know. I feel like

I missed something that everybody else seems to understand. But then sometimes I feel like I don’t I always know. Like I feel like I’m on the outside looking in.

Uh, with Humanity. Yeah. It’s it’s really crazy. The only people I can relate to are the kids. And they’re way better than me. Yeah, they don’t have like this weird existential. Stuff like I do.

I know that word gets kinda overused, I think nowadays but I really, I guess does it though? I just see it kicking around a lot that word. It’s like, well, just the whole nature of my existence.

It’s like, um,

You know, where the hell am I even at, you know, I mean, I know I’m in my car. I’m on you know, Interstate 565 headed west. You know, to uh my job.

I’m in Alabama of the United States of America on planet Earth. And it is a really big planet, you know, for a human being. But Um, in relation to the rest of the planets in the solar system and the sun. It’s pretty small. That’s what they say. I’ve never, you know.

I’ve been in an airplane. And that’s about as far up as I’ve, you know, a commercial airliner hahaha

Yeah, there was 1 time that I was pretty sure I was on a spaceship. But um, you know, I could have dreamt that I don’t think I think it was, I went through some really weird shit like The early 2010s, like 2013 and 14.

Were uh, really transformative years? Yeah, that’s when I had the uh 2014. I think it was January of 2014. Is when I had the, uh, Past life flashback. When I got I was under anesthetic and you could say, you know, maybe I hallucinated all of it but It no way. Yeah, it it was too intense.

It was really crazy.

Looks like I’m going to have to stop and get gas again tomorrow. That’s okay.

Yeah, I can get money from my Chime thing in the morning. And I can do it again Sunday. And maybe that’ll all be enough to get me through until I get paid Wednesday like with food and stuff. And I don’t know. I mean, It’s kind of for my own good, but it sucks because You know, tomorrow, I’m really just going to want to go get Mexican food.

Of course, you know, being able to just go get Mexican food.

That’s 1 reason why I’m in the shape. I’m in. It’s just like cuz I did that last time I got paid and I shouldn’t have. That was, you know, almost 50 bucks.

And it doesn’t seem like a lot of money when you have a lot of money, but when you don’t fifty dollars is a lot of money. It’s like gosh I could buy 2 weeks worth of groceries. You know? If you do it right with fifty dollars, I know people talk about how expensive everything has gotten in food costs and stuff. But You know, you can live off of ramen and eggs and Hot dogs. And Fucking, I guess you really don’t need to do that long term though.

What the hell am I even talking about? I don’t know. What the hell anything? Yeah. It is, groceries are stupid.

I’ve been eating like crap, like the bare minimum crap. For the last week.

Well, last weekend, I did kind of splurge and I, I shouldn’t have But it was nice though, cuz I went to uh, Food City Saturday. No, it was Friday. That was Friday. Yeah, cuz I was off Friday. I went to Food City and I got a whole rack of ribs. And I got, uh,

A big thing of bread, like a Sourdough thing. Uh,

Half a gallon of lemonade. And,

Some kind of pasta salad with broccoli in it.

Got it seems like I got something else. Too. But, uh,

Holy shit, I got hot dogs too. And pimento cheese? Okay yeah that’s what I did. And I think all that was uh, like 46 dollars or something. And I thought damn but the ribs were 20.

Yeah.

I don’t know, I guess, yeah, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Groceries are expensive as shit. And gas jumped up. And it went back down a little bit, but I don’t think it’s going to go down anymore.

You know, anytime soon it was what, uh, I don’t remember. Time goes by so fast. It’s like it’s already the middle of July.

Near. So, what is it though? Oh, it’s the ninth. Okay. See, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, but it will be the Fifteenth when I get paid next week which I guess I focus on, you know, I have like focal points in time.

Um, that I’m looking forward to and everything else just kind of Zips past until I get paid. Uh, and the weekends, I get the kids That’s uh, that’s what That’s what my life revolves around. Yeah. Geez.

I don’t know, I just feel like I just

I am just tired. Yeah, I’m really tired and I’m burned out. And I think a lot of that has to do with, uh, I’ve got like this Some subconscious anticipation of, uh,

Next week, you know, being off next week so it’s just making me even more

Burned out and over it and tired because it’s like, well, next week, you’re just going to, you’re not going to have to do anything. I have to do my chores. And that’s it, you know? And I’m probably just going to half-ass them.

I’m not going to go off on a rant about my roommates so much though, but sometimes the boss lady roommate, I think she has very unrealistic expectations of the people who rent from her, especially when it comes to chores. And she raised the rent, a whole bunch too. It was $500 when I first moved in and that was a year and a half ago, and it’s $700 now, And I know the mortgage hasn’t gone up any because she’s broke all that down to us. 1 day, and it was like, You know.

It seemed you know like dang she’s being, you know she’s actually really generous maybe she got sick of doing that, I don’t know. But I don’t think she’s hurting or anything because she goes on trips all the time. And door dashes fifty dollars, worth of Indian food. I noticed the other day, I don’t know how, anybody can afford door Dash Like regularly, unless they’re rich.

But they do people will love getting stuff delivered. They do uh, You know, their grocery shopping and all that stuff and I don’t I’ll never use those Services regularly like if if I if I have to use instacart or something it’s uh you know there’s some extenuating circumstances.

I know I door. Dashed some stuff. The last year, I lived in The Farmhouse when I didn’t have a car.

And I mean I would just get like Mexican food if I would have went to the restaurant and got it, it would have been like You know.

12 or 15 dollars. It was like 30 something with door Dash because you have to tip them. And uh, you know, and then you have to worry about them doing stuff to your food, if you don’t. Or like anything, it’s just You know, I just don’t like oh gosh and the people, I know who door Dash a lot of the people. I know who door Dash. Are people I would not trust with my food. Anyways, there’s this 1 chick. I’m Facebook friends with And she’s just and she starts bitching about how door Dash, you know, people don’t get paid anything. Like how oppressive Door Dash is. It’s like, well, what the fuck? What why the fuck are you even doing it? Then if you don’t, you know, if they don’t pay you nothing I don’t know. It’s like she went on some rant about it one day. I mean like, you don’t have to Door Dash, you could get a real fucking job, you know, but she doesn’t want a real job.

Because real jobs are hard. And you have to follow order and structure, and you have bosses and You know, you do door Dash. I mean, I guess you have bosses kind of but you Get to pretty much, do your own thing and set your own hours. And if you want to sleep till noon, you know, and then I mean it’s like you know what I mean?

I don’t know, I guess because I know people I have a big varied, uh, like List of friends. On Facebook and stuff. And so I get to see like, I don’t know, but a lot of the people I know who door Dash do it for extra money. Yeah, but I know a handful of people who do it. For like they try to do it full-time.

And,

You know.

Anyways, I don’t want to talk about this stupid crap anymore. It’s so stupid. I’m almost to work. And uh, thank you, please.