WEDNESDAY

5:32 AM

Well dang, what am I doing? 

I had to improvise and make a sandwich. 

Out of my hot dogs. The 2. Last hot dogs. It’s pretty good though. Because I’ve got this big sourdough bread. I toasted with Habanero cheese melted on it. 

Um, I bought this cheap ass pack of, uh, A sub kit oscar meyer with like ham. And, uh, salami and the ham had like this big fucking fat glob, uh, in it. It was something gross and I couldn’t eat the last 

Fuck 8 pieces because I, I make 

A big sandwich, you know, and I ate 2 of those yesterday and it was fine but I don’t know. 

I wish. I hope that was what it is. 

I mean. 

I don’t think any of my roommates would come in here and fuck with my shit, but 

You know, I don’t know, like I don’t know any of these other people. 

I still haven’t met that 1 guy. But, you know, the Other dude. That he’s like, 

When he moved in, like, May, 

Or something, he’s a little weird and I don’t you know I don’t know, I would hate to think he would do something like that but You know, I don’t know. I’m going to put a camera in my room this weekend. And if I catch anybody besides the bosslady roommate coming in my room it is going to be really bad. But maybe I’m just being paranoid, you know. 

Yeah, I hope I’m just being paranoid. I really do. I’m just saying 

Sometimes it’s really stupid. Things happen to me though. That just it’s it’s just that’s just how it is. It’s not. Anybody else’s doing. 

You want me to get me? 

A maybe it was just to get me to make. 

These last 2 damn hot dogs. 

And the sourdough bread that, uh, I toasted and put. Habanero cheese in. It’s so good. It really is good though. I’m almost done eating. 

And, 

Something. 

Oh gosh. Yeah, I forgot. Um, but I have this going. 

But yeah, and in other news I finally heard back from the Team lead thing. That, uh, I had Applied for, and I’m going to have to fill out a bunch of stuff. And fill out. Hello. Ah, yeah. 

I’m so goddamn tired. 

Oh my God. Anyways. 

So, you know, I just got to figure that out. Hopefully. I’m going to do my best. Yeah. And like if I get to be a team lead, that would be really, really funny. But um gosh, the super cute girl from work was there and She is, she is just so pretty and it’s like I freaked out and ran away from her a whole bunch. And then I tried to talk to her too and she like gets mean and then it’s just It really sucks. It reminds me a lot of what happened with Brittany. Except way, way, way. Way less extreme. 

Like, I don’t think this chick is a psychopath. Yeah, I think she’s just silly and it’s, you know, it is it’s 1 of those things that it’s like 

It’s uh, intense. It’s so intense that it’s like, It makes us both really nervous. Yeah, I can tell it’s like God, I just want to tell her that. She’s the prettiest lady in the whole entire universe, though. I really do. 

And I see her more than I do. Any other lady at work, she just works like right up the line from me and I’ve talked about her a lot before, but I was like, dang, she just is so pretty. She has these giant. Eyeballs and she’s like, looks like a Disney princess 

Yeah, and then, you know, there’s that other chick who’s been in my brains, but she’s not in them right now. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m way overdue, like, way way, way, way overdue for another romantic entanglement. But uh, I’ve I don’t know. I really want to get this team lead stuff like knocked out and uh, 

I’m a little nervous because the am she’s uh, oh gosh. I would never want to make

Make her angry. Yeah, she’s just but she’s really cool. I like her a lot better than the other am we had 

Oh, but you know, whatever. Yeah. 

But I am just completely broke until tomorrow. Oh, No, not tomorrow. It’s later today. I get paid this afternoon. You know, I’m just stupid broke. 

My hair is growing back out and it looks like crap, but my daughter swears it looks fine. It really looks a lot better than I think it does. She said, And then it’ll grow out in about a month and it’ll be like, it’ll look halfway decent. That’s what happened. The last time I shaved my head and I did uh, I think it was July. It was around the first of July in 2021. 

And so, like by the time, uh, 

I remember like September October rolled around, I was like, hey, I got hair again. It was fine. You know, it looked fine and then I got that job where I work now, the first time, I’m just trying to remember all that stuff. I’m just so fucking tired and burned out though and I’m trying to be optimistic, but 

I’m still kind of sad, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the Kratom withdrawals. 

Still, you know, my brain still hasn’t stabilized but it’s just like gosh, I’m just 

Like what else is there left for me to do you know that I have the will or the enthusiasm for and my friend, Justin emailed me Again, uh, I meant to reply to his Last email this past weekend. But I didn’t, because I forgot all about it and then I was like, oh hey, he emailed me again. And it’s really cool that I have a friend like Justin still, Like he’s a really really awesome dude and I’m really really happy that uh we’re still friends. He’s like the best 1 out of all my friends. 

Especially the ones that I grew up with. Well, you know, I mean he’s like right up there with my friend Alessio. Yeah. And Thibault. I’m going to have to Type those in, I know. And, uh, But those are like my best friends. All like from all over the world those 3 dudes. My friend Justin and Alessio

Thibault and, you know, my friend Eric But gosh, you know, like poor Eric and 

Uh, you know, I have other friends that, you know, like my friend Brandon who I just blocked. I don’t really call him my friend anymore. Like I don’t know what the hell his deal is, but I don’t want to talk about that either. I’m just thinking about how awesome Justin is. 

And it’s like, dang. I wish I got to see them all a lot more often because I don’t and I have a really hard time making new social connections. 

But I am going to get a camera this weekend and put in my room. And I swear to God, if I if it’s if there’s anything weird going on, I’m going to, I’m going to be such an asshole. 

But I hope I’m just I’m just being paranoid. Yeah because I am Kind of prone to those, you know, a little bit. Yeah, I just, I don’t trust people. I don’t trust human beings on the average. I’m I’m really nice and I’m kind and I care about them and all. But as far as letting people in or trusting people, For real, I don’t. So, I have 

Oh you know for any other reason even if it’s just like, basic bullshit level drama, like that isn’t even a trivial, you know, it’s that still gives me a headache. 

Oh, I hate it. You know. But most people 

Uh I say most people, I know some people, I guess is a better way to put that uh just Revel in drama. My dad was 1 of those people. 

Gosh, my dad and uh, 

I don’t know. I just get so tired of being here on planet Earth and it would be different if I got to see my kids more often. 

And there’s a lot of billion things I can always complain about though, right? Yeah. 

It’s all old to me now you know like what the hell is this shit? It’s and you know what’s like after this for me. I don’t know exactly. Right now, uh, I used to Think this was my last Incarnation on planet Earth, and it might be I don’t know what’s after this but I don’t think I’m all that great either. I just like, okay, I figured a lot of stuff out and then the divorce happened and then I was like, oh my gosh. 

What a dumb fucking thing, and I am screwed up so much. I have so many regrets, it’s so stupid. But that’s kind of like my point is like, you know, I did what I essentially came here to do I guess. And, you know, you can only do so much with the human life. And sometimes the ramifications. Or, you know, the consequences of certain things that weren’t always in your control. R was like, you know, things you can’t control everything like you can say, I made this decision and it’s my fault. But You know. In the You know, how Interconnected everything is it’s like well how much is some stuff? Is you can be blatantly make a decision when you have an intent to do something? 1 way or the other, but sometimes, just living your life. It’s like, well, some things you don’t think like a decision you make doesn’t, you know, it turns out to be like something way more than you. Uh realized further down the road like, for example, when I first started at Honda, They asked us what shifts. Uh, you had a shift and B shift and uh, I initially chose A shift. And this guy this fucking dude who didn’t even last a month there he was he just didn’t want to go to night shift because they were going to rotate. Uh, I think earlier than the shifts or something like that, I can’t remember. And, uh, so he wanted to know if somebody would trade with him so he wouldn’t have to go to night shift so soon and, uh, Nobody wanted to and I was like, I’ll fucking do it. You know what the heck? Like, I just had no idea and if I would have stayed on a shift, none of that would have happened with Brittany because I wouldn’t have worked around her on a regular basis. And I got along great with everybody on a shift too and B shift was a dumpster fire. I talked about that in a post on my other blog. But um, 

Yeah. Brittany worked on B shift and if I would have just been like, you know, cuz I knew that guy wasn’t going to make it, I knew he wasn’t going to be there for a month or 2 I mean, he wasn’t going to be there long term. He was a just, I don’t know, it was just stupid. And uh, but I did it just to be nice. Not thinking, you know, what a twist of fate that ended up being, you know, I’d still be a Honda, probably Yeah, but then it’s like, well I wasn’t and all that happened and 

5:50 AM

Maybe it was all supposed to happen and that’s kind of my point. It’s like Where I’m at now and how I am now is supposed to be you, you know, this. And uh, I’m supposed to be all screwed up and just kind of sleep. I I wouldn’t call it as sleepwalking. What am I talking about? Like I’m kind of on autopilot most of the time because my brains just don’t work. The will isn’t there? It takes like Oh gosh, I’m really dumb shit, sometimes to get me. Pushed in in 1 direction or the other. It’s just 

It sucks. I used to not be like this, obviously, at all. 

But uh, I don’t know. It’s just I’m so tired right now that that’s really affecting my thoughts too

Oh I should be excited that I have something to like think about to do or like the team lead thing. I have to fill out this little questionnaire and then get it back to the am and she’s going to set me up if she approves she thinks I’m you know. Might have what it takes and she’s going to help me set up a portfolio thing. And uh, She’s a really awesome lady, though. Yeah, like I’m just like, dang I love really like I love boss ladies, you know? I do. 

Um, anyways. 

I’m just, uh, I would really love to be a team lead. I think I’d make a big difference, and I’d have a lot of fun and make everything fun. You know, I’d make everything better 

As best as I could, you know? 

Maybe I’d actually make a difference somehow or other and then you know it’s a lot more over time and you know it’s more money but Which is actually that that would be really great but that wouldn’t, that’s not the whole of it, you know. 

I really do hate being this far away from the kids. 

But uh yeah I don’t know. I’m just like blah. 

I’d rather have a music career though, than be a team lead. 

I’m so tired right now. It’s stupid. 

I guess that’s it. I don’t know. I don’t want to edit any more than that. I haven’t been editing. That’s what I think. It’s been a lot of what’s wrong with me right now is like, the lack of kratom. It’s going to take it probably this week and maybe next week to stabilize my brains, because I don’t have any extra motivation or energy at all. And it’s like, well, My brain feels like a black hole, you know, it’s so empty. It’s in the negatives. 

It’s pulling everything in and pulling it apart. Yeah, it’s not it’s not fun. 

But maybe that’ll get better. I have to, uh, 

Pay my rent with this check and a bunch of other crap. 

Really really do wish. I had a girlfriend though and that chick that was in my brains. Like it kind of makes me sad because it’s like, I would totally absolutely give her a shot like 

You know, I just remember how awful she was but that was 7 years ago you know my ex-wife she was the most awful 1. She’s a totally different person now and you know it just depends, there’s no telling uh I have no idea. Like if she’s sober or if she’s like and not I’m not talking about my ex-wife like I know she is but I’m like the other chick because what I heard she had like a some Really big problems too but that was. You know, that was 7 years ago, she was like in her mid 20s, then, 

She’s in her early 30s. Now, you know, it’s You never know. 

I just, but I also remember her being absolutely like, just insanely, beautiful. And uh, she really is it’s like dang. Um, 

But uh, But who knows? It’s really kind of dumb to think about, but it’s like, why not? Why not her cuz we actually do have stuff in common, but I’m on a whole, another wavelength still You know. But that wouldn’t matter. I would still mash and pet her and Yeah, all that every day. 

Nothing, you know. Gosh, this sure did the Last chick I saw was the super cute girl and she was in my brains for a little bit but it just for me thinking about how pretty she was. It’s like dang, you know, and how many times I freaked out and ran away from her And I could say that about a lot of them and it’s like, you know, 

I guess I just don’t want to get mixed up with somebody from work, especially when I don’t really have anything in common with them. 

And I don’t know what else to say and I’m kind of tired of talking now. Thank you, please.