11:15 PM
Well, what am I doing now? Um,
I’m trying to get.
Motivated to work on the concept album but I just don’t know that it’s going to happen.
Uh, tonight. I don’t. Yeah, I’m just like what?
That’s just so much stuff, I don’t know where to start, but I’m going back through some of the things that I already recorded with guitar. And bass and everything. And uh, I’m probably going to keep a few of those. Just for fun because the concept album is like, it’s based On a A person, but it’s like,
Uh, It’s a parody kind of But it’s like not just of of a person but of like a bunch of people and it’s kind of
I guess that’s really all I can. I mean, I don’t know what else to say about it. It’s uh it’s really retarded but it’s some of the most insane stupid funniest stuff that’s ever popped in my head. Um of course right now, you know, it’s like, well, I’m not going to force anything. I really do need to, uh, Get my voice in shape, and I’m going to work on that here after a while.
I guess I’m just going to sleep all day tomorrow. Yeah and stuff. I don’t know. I’ll probably go walking and Work out and everything. But uh, yeah, I’ll rest more tomorrow. It’s like, no, I’m not going to wait. You know, I’m not going to waste uh,
The fact that I’m awake right now, but I did sleep. A lot but not really, I don’t know. It’s like I said, I’m just going to catch up on it tomorrow, but I feel pretty run down still
I really wish I could find a different job making comparable. You know, money, but I don’t think that’s going to happen around here.
It’s just like damn, you know,
But I have been thinking a lot about just the World At Large and, uh, Is this really remarkable to me, because
Everything used to seem so, Magical and huge and wonderful. And now it’s like, gosh, really? Yeah, yeah. It’s
It’s pretty ridiculous. But then I also kind of uh feel like maybe I’m just out of touch with all of the
Yeah, with all of it. I don’t know. I have a few, you know, connections to the the real world. I say the real, you know, world. I don’t. I mean, there’s the kids, that’s Actually a big source of, uh,
Emotional turmoil. I guess because I never get to see them and it’s like wow the 1 thing. I actually really give a shit about, you know, and I always will. It’s just like dang And it’s crazy. How fast time? Just, I mean just flies past. And gosh like my 2 little cousins, you know, both of them have their doctorates and stuff and Uh, we all look. It’s funny. We all look like different versions of each other, but I have the most hair. Hahaha
I don’t know, I think that’s kind of funny. Uh, it’s uh, you know, um, 1 of them is a doctor of translation studies and he he travels a lot. He does all kind of cool stuff and the other 1 is a um,
Orchestra conductor, He’s got a doctorate in in something like that related to that field. And um, you know, he does a bunch of really cool stuff too. And I’m just like, I’m the crazy cousin on my dad’s side of the family, but I’m actually 1 of the more normal cousins on my mom’s side of the family. Yeah, I don’t think I have a lot on. I’m not going to name them. Yeah, but uh, I have some really crazy cousins.
I’m actually kind of the, like, the baby on that side, out of the family. Yeah, it’s it’s funny.
But I don’t ever talk to anybody, I have a couple of cousins, I talk to on Mom’s side and then my 2 little cousins. I still talk to them. On Dad’s side.
But it’s like we’re all in our 40s now you know and everything just seemed so they seemed so little when I was Younger. It’s just crazy and I haven’t seen either 1 of them in
Oh gosh, at least 8 years 7 or 8 years. It’s been a long time.
That’s kind of another thing I try to remind myself is like, dude, you don’t ever get out unless you’re with the kids. And, uh, I don’t know.
I was out at Publix, I think I talked about that in Friday night, was it Friday night? I made the the post I don’t remember.
Um, but I talked about that. It’s like there was a chick just hanging out watching me, look through the milk.
You know, should have said, Hey to her, you know, or something.
Or that girl, that came jogging up beside of me. You know, last weekend it’s like, yeah. Well, I just don’t.
I don’t know where I’m at, but that would be cool though. I would really like
To find somebody, but it has to be somebody who’s like cool and relatable though, that’s the problem. I have, like, I’ve gotten to be so picky. Because there for a little while I wasn’t, you know, that’s of course, that’s also why I’ve been single for 5 and a half years, you know? It’s like dang, you know if you’re not picky You’re going to get a hold of some really crazy shit if you don’t watch it. Most people though, I like to think that most people have more common sense than I do. It’s, uh, Yeah, I don’t, I don’t have that. I have um, I traded that for for creativity and Gosh, I don’t know though, like right now, it’s finding the energy to utilize all that and to make something tangible with it, I’m struggling right now. I have been for the last
This whole year has been a struggle with that. Yeah, it’s like damn.
Well, you know, last year I was going to do, uh, you know, my friend Peter. I don’t even know what to say about Peter, but he was, uh, you know, we were supposed to start a band. He was going to play bass. At least until we found a bass player and it’s I figured, you know, he he’s more fit for like a multi-instrumentalist role. But uh, it didn’t Didn’t work out that way because he just totally shitted out on me. And that really Hurt my feelings, but it also made me realize that, uh, You know what the fuck? Yeah, I would love to put another band together. Just a 3-piece, maybe a 4 piece, you know, it would be cool to have like, a, a lead guitar slash like other instrument player.
I couldn’t really see having, you know, we get more than 4 people, it starts to get complicated. But uh,
I don’t know. That’s kind of the thing I have to establish pretty early on. It’s like, no, I’m the boss. And if if they’re not okay with that. It’s like well then, you know, you know, that’s 1 reason why I’m practically a solo artist now because I’m just so Not open to doing other people’s music. Yeah but lyrics and songs and stuff. No it’s like I made up a song, you know. It’s like I have to do my own lyrics. That was a big problem. I ran into uh, Back in the day, trying to sing for a band. They brought me this lyrics. I was like, hey dude can you sing this stuff? And it was just just the wordiest Fucking um, just crap about feelings and it was so serious and there, wasn’t any poetry or art in it at all. It was just a bunch of dumb words. And I was like, y’all I’m not, I’m not, I’m going to have to uh Interpret the music into the words that pop in my brain. Or I can’t do this, you know, and they didn’t understand. But then, like, you know, I don’t think they’re even doing, they don’t even do music anymore. So, it’s It’s okay. I don’t know.
I guess a part of that too is I’m such like
You know, I don’t really want to subject anybody to my bullshit. It’s it’s like I don’t really need other people, except it would be great to have a band but Um I don’t know. I guess I sound kind of like an asshole and I really am. That’s kind of what I’m saying. It’s like, yeah, I don’t know.
Sometimes I just don’t feel like my stuff is all that good either. Yeah, it’s like shit especially lately. I’ve been struggling so much with my voice and everything. It’s It’s really discouraging.
And stupid. And You know, it’s so what the hell am I even here for? You know.
That is something I’ve struggled with a lot.
Oh gosh, the last decade.
It has been ongoing for a while, you know? And I think about that, too. It’s like well.
If I would have never married my ex-wife and uh, Hadn’t gotten into business with my dad. But you know, that’s uh, Gosh, I wouldn’t take anything for the kids.
But,
I don’t know, it’s just really stupid. Yeah, because it’s like, I feel like I’m a better songwriter than I’ve ever been. But it’s like, you know, the energy, like I’m trying to get like myself going by making a post. So but uh yeah it’s like you know when I had the you know, boundless energy I don’t know I always was Tangled Up in something else though I’ve never been able to just focus solely on music.
On the other hand, the bullshit of of all of it is what? Fuels my creativity. You know, I was, I have, I got to have a contrasting element. Or it’s just you know you turn out fucking crap. That’s what. Um, A lot of bands, you know, they have uh, what’s that? They call it, like the sophomore curse, you know, their second album they’ll have 1 good album or something and Uh, they get, you know, big and they get comfortable and then the rest of their music sucks. Because the forces that, you know, existed that
Gosh. Facilitated their creativity, you know, in the initial, crap. And all that kind of goes away and that happens to a lot of bands. It takes uh,
I don’t know, I would have to do stuff for like, like research purposes, which
I don’t know, sometimes I just wonder, like, I could talk always just totally Cut Loose, you know, and just go do whatever I don’t have to just work at a factory job and have, you know,
I’ve lived really, really shitty and came out of it. Like It’s not a big deal but gosh, I sure do like Having a nice comfy, you know, bed and a place to live. I mean that is pretty nice.
I think that’s good for my mental health, actually. I went I did go nuts. When I lived in that Farmhouse because I was so isolated. And I didn’t have electricity for a year and that was, uh,
A good thing though. Really, it wasn’t bad. I was like, well, this isn’t bad. This is like camping. Yeah, pretty much. I have a lot of nostalgia for the 3 years. I was in that house.
It was uh but I was so screwed up, you know, from the divorce and
11:29 PM
String of film, you know?
Of failed bullshit romances that just made me even worse. But um, I guess that’s kind of a conflict too because
It takes a lot of energy and effort to maintain a relationship. And so it’s like, well, I haven’t Really met anybody interesting enough to like, You know, to
Make an idiot out of myself, for But also to fit them into uh, you know, in my life wherever
And they always get jealous and possessive. I’ve never been with a woman who wasn’t Who didn’t get possessive and jealous, like, even my ex-wife with all her? Stuff, she would still she, you know, owned me, that’s how she saw it. I don’t know, that’s a really long story, but
Dang, you know.
But that’s what I’m talking about. Like it’s just I loved her so much that You know, all the there were several times throughout our relationship that I was like.
Do I really want to like could I not just find somebody else, you know? But then when I was faced with the reality of that I was like well I love her too much to just dump her. You know, it was, uh,
Was really crazy to look back on.
But I had no prior not like relationship experience at all, you know, I had no idea. I thought, you know, I thought she was it. But um, Gosh, I feel like I sound crazy talking about it.
I talk about. Um, I don’t know. I really just uh,
I just feel like I’ve gotten so out of touch with the world, you know? Like I’m a decade or 2 behind. Sometimes I’ll catch myself, it’s 2026, you know, and I’ll be like, well, it’s 2006, it’s like, oh no, there’s another 2 in there, you know. Yeah. It’s uh
It’s funny. I’ve been feeling lately, a lot like I’ve been thinking a lot about like High school. And how I was in high school, which was practically right before I met my ex-wife, you know? Uh it’s like well that was the last time that I was really, you know, independent and happy by myself I mean
You know, as a person, you know, I didn’t have to worry about like,
Oh gosh.
I don’t know if that’s my brain trying to like get back, you know, starts like I’m starting where It tries to find a starting point. To where like the last, you know, uh,
Time. I was really happy just by myself and and actually cared about myself like a, at least like a normal person. Because that’s another thing I just don’t, it’s like who gives a shit, you know.
Um, but that’s not healthy.
It’s just, uh, it’s really crazy.
Maybe that’s yeah, everything trying to get that back. Just to some degree and I’ve been, uh, I’ve had a, a certain level of stability for long enough too I think I’m starting to kind of. Level off
It’s it’s it’s been really good. Yeah.
My brain got used to, uh, just The stress of. Complete chaos. You know, that it might be might seem fun at first but it’s it’s not, you know.
In the long run and, um, I don’t know, it’s like it it almost. It’s like, it doesn’t know how to handle. Stability. It’s like well you know what’s going to come along and fuck this up? Ah hopefully nothing Yeah.
So, um, I don’t know, I guess I really Just need to try to figure out.
Um, eating better has helped a lot.
Yeah, changing my diet has really helped.
But yeah, I guess I just need to uh,
To um,
Try to work on a healthier you know, mindset and try to be happy and appreciate things that It’s not that I took them for granted or anything like that, but it’s just like it’s it’s so this anytime things get really good. You know, something’s always. It’s just that they’ve always been so temporary. It’s like well it’s not that I don’t take them for granted, it’s not that. I take it for granted or anything. It’s just that I won’t let myself get a get used to it. So yeah, that’s kind of I don’t get used to, you know,
Comfort and stability. Because last time you did it just everything.
What was that about fucking 3 years ago? Yeah.
I don’t know.
Also feel like, you know, I’m being given more of an opportunity than I realize to focus more on myself because I haven’t done that in So long, you know, it’s just like, well really you. You have to You know, it’s like, um,
I guess trying to realize again but I exist, you know, probably for a reason.
Hello.
Anyways.
Well, that’s a lot to edit. So um, I’m going to wrap this up. Thank you, please.
