5:50 PM
Okay, well, Yeah, I’m just I’m just here in my room. I’m
Uh,
I woke up about 3 something.
Maybe 3:30.
And, I went out. I got really hungry and I thought, oh, I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m so lazy. And I made myself go to Food City, I thought maybe they have ribs. Nope. They didn’t have anything so I just went to Publix.
And I got at Publix. I got ribs. This is they had ribs there and It was silly. Because it took the lady forever to go over to me to get the ribs out and uh,
I kept wanting more stuff and there were people behind me and I was like, oh, I want some of that.
They had pulled pork and that was a big chunk that I wanted and uh she got it for me and then I was like, what about those are those? Turn up greens or collard greens and she said colored greens and I said, oh my gosh, I want those in that macaroni and cheese and she said, oh, that’s the gouda macaroni and cheese and I said that is perfect. Thank you. Thank you. And, uh, They just took forever, it felt like and then I just kept apologizing to the girl behind me and it was funny. And then I went and got another thing of that, chicken, and rice that I ate the other night. And I got,
Another gallon of water.
For the week.
And now I just don’t want to do anything though. I don’t think I might go back to sleep but
Yeah, like totally here.
I had a a crying episode earlier about Brittany that like a really bad 1. And it’s funny, you know? Cuz I was like, I wish I had a girlfriend. I saw a few couples, walking around in Publix, and it made me Uh,
Feel even more lonely, hahaha. It did. Yeah. And gosh, I do though, I wish I had a, a lady, so bad.
But, uh, that’s what I was thinking about. I was like, well, you know, I just haven’t met Anybody that was interesting enough. You know. Since Brittany. And even though that wasn’t That was kind of the whole thing. Just hit me again. Just a big wave of Brittany hit me. It was like damn.
You know, I didn’t have, we didn’t have a lot in common and, the music. She listened to was just very, very bad to me, but, you know, I didn’t care. She’s the first chick, I really.
She’s the biggest crush I ever had, and I didn’t care about any of that. I would have. Let her drag me out to emo nights. And Morgan, Wallen concerts. And Pub crawls and all that shit. I even made a song up as part of the crazy and sad song, that’s the second verse.
Where I sing about how I just didn’t care about that, I would let her drag me around all this stuff that normally I would die, you know. At the thought of even attending a Morgan Wallen concert. But I would uh, totally totally. Go to 1 as long as I can mash and pet her and dance with her the whole time. I know isn’t that funny? That’s the, she’s the only lady that I ever just did not care about anything like that. I just liked her that much. I liked her so much. That. I liked the fact that we were really different.
A lot that made me like her even more. Yeah, it’s like damn. She’s just
From a whole another we’re just from 2. Totally different places, you know and uh
She doesn’t look as crazy as she did back then now though, I love the way she looked back, then a lot she had like green hair or purple hair, or pink hair or anything like that. And she had it. Her hair was shaved around the sides and she’s got all these tattoos and She was just the most beautiful lady I ever saw in my life and she was for a long time, like I would come in depressed. Just depressed as fuck because you know, like I thought my life was shitty, then too you know, right?
Um, but it was in a lot of ways, it was still a lot of stuff that, you know, I was I just hated myself about everything Back then even it’s just been the whole that’s been the whole deal. Since the divorce is just I’ve hated myself almost to death. And I struggle with that every day, every single day I struggle with it. I struggled with it all day yesterday. It’s like God, I wish I could just blow my brains out. And I can’t, you know, I shouldn’t
It wasn’t until I started drinking. Uh, got a couple of beers in me that I stopped feeling that way. I, I started, I was like, happy, I started dancing around. I was listening to music in the garage and dancing like an idiot and there’s a big mirror in there and I was looking at myself. I was like, you know, this is what I do at work every day. I guees that is why everybody just stares at me all the time, like, no wonder my team hates me, you know. Jesus. I’m just so much too much and I did. Oh, I worked on this song I made up when I was uh, was part of the Stephanie album. It was I’m a lot of person. I’m too much person for another person. I’m so bad and I mashed that up with another. Thing I came up with. The other day about being a big stupid asshole. And I sing this stuff at the top of my lungs. It’s like, I’m a big stupid asshole. And I’ll make you sad and then You’ll get so mad. That you’ll be glad when I’m dead.
And uh, I’ll get a yeah and it’s uh
But I, I put those together and it, it fits. So I’m going to try to work on some more lyrics for that, because the ones that I had originally were really stupid, so, I’ve got to fix it. I’ve leveled up a lot as a musician since I made that song up. It’s been over 5 years ago, so,
Sometimes, it feels like 2021 was so much further away than that. When I was, I was still living in The Farmhouse and uh, Yeah, yesterday actually I went to um, over to my roommate’s friend’s house. To um, help them to at least see about running this wire from their breaker box, to their hot water heater and their house reminded me. A lot of The Farmhouse I used to live in and I just thought, wow. I used to live in a place just like this. So, and
Uh, it’s
Yeah, I just really can’t see myself like charging them, any money. To help, you know, I actually meant to
Text the guy earlier, but I just, I’m I’m on night shift you know I’m really not worth a shit. I’m not Like I stayed up yesterday uh until like 2:00 p.m. I was so wound up after work. I was so happy to be off work. I was like oh my gosh and uh I got like 2 hours of sleep and then I went over there and did that and then I came back and uh, ate what did I even eat?
I came back with food and I ate it.
Oh, it was all the sushi. Yeah, that’s what it was and um
Fell back asleep until
Midnight. Maybe. Yeah. I don’t remember and then I stayed up, I think I stayed up till about 8.
8 or 9 this morning, I don’t remember.
But yeah, I don’t know. Thinking about Brittany it was, uh, Because I was in Publix so I was like dang you know I really do wish I had a lady and Then Brittany just all of a sudden got in my brains. It was like yeah that’s right. Oh. Because I was thinking about how I just never, I just don’t feel like I’ve met anybody interesting enough for me to make an idiot out of myself over again since, you know, Brittany. And then I just remembered, uh, how that we didn’t have. A lot hardly anything and it wouldn’t just like stuff in common.
It was like the opposite of stuff that I like, it’s like bad stuff that I would never even think about, you know? And, uh, but I didn’t care about any of that. That’s how much I liked her and then I just started crying, like a fucking idiot.
She pecked on my blog the other night. And uh I just I don’t know. I took all this stuff down and
That I had posted and left up for her to read because she pecks on my blog and she never stops like she’ll do it forever and ever. And I’ve been getting a lot of really weird off hits. Um, on this 1 from, like a different place and it, but there are patterns
Uh but I just figured it could be her using a VPN but I might be wrong. It may be my ex-wife and it might be somebody completely different You know, I don’t know. It’s I don’t think it really.
I lost my train of thought. Yeah, um, but
It seems like I had a point that I was making and then I got sidetracked by other crap so I don’t know.
But I do love the weather right now. It’s, you know, it’s all and then It’s all of a sudden it got cooler. It was like 90 something degrees and then fall, you know, the first day of fall and then it’s been like in the 70s
I don’t know.
But I think I am going to go back to sleep. Yeah.
Oh yeah, that’s what it was. Yeah, I used to uh
Back then. She was uh she was my son. Sean at work. My son shine at work.
Sunshine. Yeah, at work. It was she was Like I would come in just being so sad and then like, I would see her bopping along. With her ponytail Her a little ponytail would be flopping around and, um, She would have her sleeves rolled up to her elbows. And she’s got like, a bunch of tattoos on her arms and, uh, she always looked really mad. Well not always but sometimes really it was scary like she would look so mad and she’d be smacking the cars with her fists. She wouldn’t wear gloves. And, And it’s like dang, what a What a lady, you know, just watching her work would make me so happy and I would stare at her like an idiot and it was, it was weird. But she would also stare at me, too and it just got I just didn’t think she would give me the time of day. I mean, that’s kind of how I felt about myself back then and I had no idea. I was like, man. That girl, Isn’t even going to like, let me breathe around her. It was so Scary. I liked her so much that It scared the living hell out of me. So that’s uh, that’s kind of
Kind of where it went, it started you know like that she was just like this dream girl that I didn’t know anything about her though until later. I didn’t even know her name like for a long time Until she started popping up on the people I may know after I joined the Honda Facebook group.
I don’t know it sometimes I really do miss the Honda plant, I liked it? In a lot of ways better than where I’m at now, you know, there was just, it was just different.
I felt like, I felt a little more at home there than where I, where I work. Now, you know, I just feel like,
I get on everybody’s nerves and stuff. I think I did at Honda too. But uh I was way more screwed up at Honda though.
6:05 PM
It just sucks. It’ll never be like, I don’t know that that was just a little Blip in time, that was a year and a month of my life. You know, it’s like the Honda year or something.
It’s what my kids said, though, they were like the Honda days were good days. Dad until Brittany, drove you crazy.
I don’t know, it’s just really stupid because we should have ended up together.
I think it’s more of a testament to how screwed up. I really am though. Because uh, she she did. Like after a point she started like coming like obviously you know looking back on it. It was like what the hell is wrong with me? There’s no telling what she thought. Like This stupid fucking asshole like this guy’s so fucking stupid and I was but I couldn’t help it and it wasn’t on purpose and that’s what
Upset me so much about the whole thing. Because I guess you know, all I ever really. Wanted to love 1 woman forever. You know, that’s really all
I wanted to do. And then my music and art and shit and, uh, You know, I got like it’s almost
Got to be like, it got to be like that for a while, you know, it wasn’t. Always, I was just thinking about, you know, my ex-wife and I were together for 18 years and uh that’s a big reason why we were together for. As long as we were is because I just wanted You know, to love 1 woman forever and she’s who, I thought I got it and I was fine with that. I was just kind of Holding Out for things to get better. Eventually, you know, it’s funny how she probably never realized how much. I just I I really do understand about human beings.
You know it just but it really surprises me.
Sometimes?
Uh, because, you know, it’s like I, I can see how it would go like a certain direction with people, but I never think that they would actually do that? You know, or something is like, wow, they could have done this and it would have been a lot less stupid. But uh, You know.
Yeah. But then it’s like I always get it and it’s like, okay, well I understand why they did that like Without citing any specific examples, you know, it’s
I guess human beings make sense by not making sense is how they make sense. You know, but then like ultimately it all makes sense. Just depends on how you look at it.
You might say that I have 2 logical uh 2 of How, how am I saying?
Too much of a logical like perspective on, you know, Something is Supposedly unpredictable is the emotions and fucking all that shit. That human beings are saturated with. You know, but then uh, when you, you know, zoom in or out at to a certain level, you know, uh it’s all logic, it can all be reduced to 1 thing or the other, you know, it’s either on or off.
In some place somewhere.
You know, if it exists it’s on.
If it doesn’t, it’s off. I don’t know. And then it’s just
You know, people are really complicated. I think that was a
Shit was the Professor Brothers. This is what 20 years ago. Uh, there was a baby cakes, diary, I think and I can’t remember.
Was it the 1 where he went and visited his grandpa and he was just talking about how complicated human beings are and all this stuff. And I think it was
It’s a grandpa that they burned the house down, it was just a really silly funny episode. I was just thinking about that. That quote, pretty much summed it up.
To look that up on YouTube and put a link in here. Yeah. So
https://youtu.be/cm_iv_lUh6Y?is=YOlWAcJtE-ISyY-B
That’s some of my favorite stuff that Brad Neely did like some of my favorite stuff ever though, but You know, Brad neily was uh, he was 1 of my heroes. I guess he still lives. What does he even doing these days? What does bradney Lee do these days?
Bradley. Yeah, what is he doing? I guess I’ll check that out later. Uh, this is turning into a pretty long post. So,
Thank you, please.
