7:10 AM
Well, I woke up about 3 hours ago, I think.
And um,
I don’t know, yesterday really kind of sucked. Yeah, I stayed up all night Saturday night doing music and everything and I drank I don’t think I drank 6 beers maybe 5 and uh I was so hung over and fucked up from that.
Yesterday that I did not.
I didn’t do anything. Yeah, I just slept and I went out to the grocery store and got stuff and I made those 2. Blog posts, and I was optimistic. But uh,
That went away and I became very sad. I got really, really depressed.
I finally fell asleep. It was after midnight, I was just like so tired and I felt like crap so bad.
I got up and I did my chores. I woke up at like 4:00 something. I had some crazy dreams so and it’s crazy that uh, like I have really cool.
Uh, awesome Dreams. Yeah, it’s I guess it’s the balance out. Like when I’m really sad. I’ll have a really crazy. Awesome dream.
And it’s like well, okay. But I’d rather.
Not be sad, I don’t know. Um,
I’m really tired and I’m tired of it and it sucks and I was looking around at other jobs and it just made me sad because there’s nothing else that’s going to, you know. I’m going to be able to make any kind of money doing And I just get really sick of being here on planet Earth, sometimes.
Like, I haven’t felt this way I guess, in a, in a little bit, what, like, a few weeks or a month or something. I don’t remember the last time I felt really depressed, but it it’s just like It’s not just my brain, you know.
It’s circumstances. That’s always been. I just don’t know what the hell to do anymore. And then I get tired, you know, when I do stuff and then it’s like well no you’re not going to do that 2 nights in a row. Uh, it’s just I haven’t made any progress at all with like recording or anything.
And then, you know, the only only thing I really care about which is the kids, you know, I just don’t get to ever see them
Its really so shitty It really is, you know, it’s just uh,
Pretty miserable right now.
Thought about killing myself like for real, it’s uh it’s like, you know, is it going to get any better? And I thought, well, you know what would happen if I did.
You know, it’s like
And I get sad thinking about that and then it’s like, it’s just a mix of all kind of crap right now in my brain. So,
God, I’m really tired. I think that’s a lot.
I’m just sick of it, all I’m always by myself all the time, I’m just the most alone. Fucked up person.
And then I’ll think about like you know what, my life would have been like if I would have never married my ex-wife and then I start getting sad because I think about my kids
And then, uh,
Gosh, I just feel like I’m totally burnt out. You know ruined. I’m just a ruined fucked up person.
And I guess, uh, it’s like, well, I don’t care.
I just wonder, what’s after, you know, what’s after this? Like, if I killed myself but then what? Nobody fucking knows!
Like, I’ll leave this little planet with all these people on it, that things only matter.
You know, relative to that.
I think my kids would be sad, but they’d get over it. Too, you know, I don’t ever like my daughter. I messaged the crap out of her this weekend. She didn’t, she barely, she didn’t even respond to anything until yesterday. And she’s like, oh, yeah, sorry, I’m like, well, you know,
I’m just so far away from the things I really care about. And then, you know, with my music and all that. Well, I’ve been having Stupid ass problems with my voice. And it’s just that’s my life over and over and over. That’s just been the whole thing.
And then you know, what’s so stupid is, I would look back and if you know 10 years, if I lived for 10 more years or 5 more years, I would look back on this time it’s like, you know, It would be better than what? And that’s like, I look back on like when I lived in The Farmhouse like, You could say
I didn’t realize How nice that actually was? I don’t realize anything, but then it’s like, I don’t. What am I trying to say? It’s like you don’t realize how good you have it but it’s like If I don’t realize it then it’s really not that good, right? Am I painting myself into a corner though? Like trying to talk about like no, it is shtity and I do suck. I’m ready to just like, Leave this whole planet like fuck, you know, like I mean when I do this every now and then Like what’s the news headlines? Right now? Like this stuff is so stupid.
I just feel like,
Hell, it’s 53 degrees. Wow, that’s nice. That that’s really nice. Is that? It’s fall, and it’s feels like fall right now. So that’s, uh, that makes me happy but um, What was I doing? Oh, the news.
Kind of weapons Scandal looking thing.
This is wrestler Died at 40.
What?
And then there’s all this stuff with the ice I’m reading an article about
It’s picking up everything, stupid. I’m trying not to talk too loud, though.
I don’t know, it’s just Dumb.
Yeah.
It’s not interesting or anything, I’m just not interested. In like anything going on with the world anymore? It’s like yeah. Really. Well, it’s 2026 and everybody’s still being fucking stupid.
Like I don’t think that’ll ever change.
I think that’s just planet Earth. And human beings.
I used to love life so much. I used to be so happy. I used to think, you know, I just everything was just this big crazy adventure and I was just so glad to be existing in a human form. And I don’t really feel like that.
It’s like a whole I don’t know, I don’t really want to Just blow my fucking brains out but then it’s like, I don’t really want to be here anymore, either. So what am I going to do?
I don’t know. I know that I’m tired. I’m probably going to fall asleep again after I edit this and post it. I’m hungry. Isn’t that stupid? But I’m I don’t have to eat energy or the will to, uh,
To leave. The house. To leave my room actually, I’ve got um, I don’t know, eat some of these crackers.
Did at 8:00. Of those crackers.
It is picking up everything stupid and that’s annoying.
I don’t know, I guess I just don’t feel like I belong here anymore. Like I belong anywhere at all on a planet Earth.
And you know, I did and I have I’ve made up all these fun crazy songs but I haven’t recorded anything, that’s what I was going to do last night. I just, I couldn’t do it.
And I know that, I think they’re funny and that they’re, you know, great songs but You know, I don’t really think anybody else would so much. I mean, how much does that even matter, you know,
And so I get to go through 5 more days of this bullshit job that It’s really not though, but I’m so sick of it. And then I get 2 days off to do whatever I want. I usually spend
Well, like this weekend, I have to seems like I have to spend at least 1 Night recuperating. Whether that’s uh Saturday night or Sunday night, you know, usually depends. Like Saturday, I got off work Saturday morning about 3:30 that we got off a little early. Um, I was so wound up that I didn’t go to sleep until Almost. I think it was after 1:00 p.m. Yeah. And then I went and went to uh, my roommate’s friend’s house.
That was. That was an experience. You know, it’s like dang. And um,
I don’t know if I’m going to be able to help them or not you know I don’t believe you know what?
Y’all anyways. Um, and then I went out and did some more stuff. I went and got food. I got the absolutely the wrong uh, cable for My microphone. Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. Uh, I was thinking I only had like 2 hours of sleep, but and I was a little traumatized from their house. And that was in my brain and I was just like, what’s wrong cable? I didn’t realize that until I got home opened it up and went to plug it in to The microphone. I got the wrong end. It was like a hi z mic cable, but with the, uh,
The end that goes into the, um,
Not the microphone. Yeah, hahaha
But that’s sucked. That was a perfect metaphor for, uh, for my life right now. It’s like of course, I got the wrong thing, you know. Of course, I’m fucking retarded and it just gets old. It’s been like this for the last
Decade really yeah. Everything started falling apart in 2016 and I just never have been able to pull myself back together. Uh, I wouldn’t even sad to say, 100%. I mean like 20 or 30%? Like I think I got myself up uh built up, pretty good. Maybe the summer of 2022.
Was the last, uh,
Last time I was really. Until I met that Tiffany chick
It was 4 years ago. Yeah, jeez. I don’t know, it’s just it just gets so old.
I feel like I came here to do what? I was supposed to, you know.
And, And it’s just like I don’t know what I’m doing here anymore, like what am I waiting around on? You know, it’s
So, just
Just feels so pointless.
And I’m tired all the time, and I know that’s probably a lot of it, but that’s my whole reality is I’m just a tired asshole, factory worker and it sucks.
That I have all this stuff I wanted to do in my life.
But, you know, I’ve kind of accepted the fact that, uh,
I mean, I’ve been living here for almost 2 years and I haven’t done shit. Hardly at all and, uh, I hate it. And,
I guess that’s pretty much, you know. And then like I was talking about Brittany in my last post like that. Did that really just totally
I think that finished it off. That finally, like ruined me once and for all. And I don’t understand why.
You know, it’s like, well, I got these songs out of it, but
I sure am having a really hard time right now with music and my voice and my energy levels. And My own stupidity.
Oh, I just hate everything sometimes. Like
I hate my existence.
I just can’t see myself being here for another, like, 4 or 5 years. I just don’t, unless something really awesome happens That changes my perspective.
You know, I’m not going to be here that much longer. I mean a few years, You know, I guess I might could try to hold on until my son turned 18 or something so they wouldn’t just be like
I don’t know, I don’t think that matters either. I’m so out of touch with the world and everything.
It’s kind of funny, but on the other hand, it’s really annoying. It’s like
7:33 AM
I mean, I don’t know what
Just making blog posts about it. I guess, I don’t. Get that out there in The Ether somewhere. It’s like hey if my life doesn’t get like Something really awesome happens to me fairly soon. Like, I’m not going to be here. You know another year or 2, you know, it’s just gotten so old.
Because I never get to really do what I want to do. Something stupid. Always happens. And it’s always something stupid. That’s like, I don’t think about it being stupid and then it ends up being really stupid.
And it’s apparently supposed to happen like, you know, like the mic cord. That’s but that is that’s
That’s been my life in a nutshell for the last 10 years.
Right? Yeah, it just gets old. I try to be optimistic and Try to, you know, see the best in things but I can only maintain that for so long and then it just crashes and it’s like, here I am right now. Like how I feel right now it’s like gosh. The only thing keeping me right now, from blowing my brains out, is that my shotgun is all the way in my storage unit. And it’s like a 45 minute drive and I’m just too tired to do that. So
Yep. That’s the only reason. I’m not killing myself right now.
Thank you, please.
