2:38 AM
Well, what am I doing?
I’m just laying here.
I’m kind of.
I’m tired. But I’m awake. It’s like, I’m not sleepy but my body is tired from the week. And I slept a whole bunch and I got up and I came back and I was tired, you know, I went to the grocery store, I did talk about all that.
And I came back. Yeah, and worked on music. I came up with a song, I was thinking about all the, uh, crazy stuff. And all the chicks that I made up songs about, And,
Um,
I think I was, I had just finished the song about Brittany, uh, the Brittany song And I was like well you know that was my favorite romantic interest lady you know ever but then it’s like well she’s not the most important lady at all.
You know, here’s another important lady though. That’s like cuz my daughter. My daughter is obviously the most important. That that just that’s like implied always it is. And uh,
I was thinking about those. Like what what are some other ladies that? Are more important than Brittany and I thought about my sister. I have a sister. And she is insane. But I love her and we don’t talk or not as close as we used to be. We used to be like best friends. You know, when we were in our late teens and early 20s mid 20s. Uh, we just Life takes people in different directions, but we were all like,
We were still pretty close. Yeah, until I got divorced.
And you know, that was a big crazy thing for me to deal with and I don’t think I don’t Nobody understood how the fucked up that was for me and except me? You know, it was fucking retarded. Like that, you know?
But uh, after I got divorced after what was before, the divorce was, uh, legal final, right? Yeah. Legally final. Um,
I stayed at my dad’s for about a month.
Give or take and Uh everybody was just being a super piece of shit to me and it was really Stupid. Oh my goodness. You know, and, uh, long story short I got my dad was like, you could go work for your damn sister, you know, cuz me and him had gotten into it about a week before I had gotten, oh my God. I just had enough of him talking to me. Like, I was bullshit And, uh, 37, almost 38 years of pent up fucking crap. I just Unleashed it on him and, you know, I, I scared of the living shit out of him, but after all that, like, all that went away, he got mad. He like, decided I was just a fucking not Even a person anymore
Just, I don’t know. It was really awful.
And uh, I mean, where do I start, though? I’ve talked about all this shit, but anyways, there wasn’t doing the generator business anymore. After that, and my ex-wife had, uh, we had this big fight and she, oh my God, she called him up and told him a bunch of crazy bullshit. And it is a long. It’s a long story. I don’t know what. Um, anyways, but
I ended up on my sister’s Egg Farm. She had layer houses. And, uh, It just didn’t, I didn’t want to do it after I got to doing it and they paid me, literally, I got paid 5 dollars an hour, 5 dollars, a fucking hour That’s right. Like 10 hours. That’s like $50 a day. I got paid 5 dollars an hour, it was 5 dollars a fucking hour in 2018. And I was like, I’m not, you know, I’m not doing this for 5 dollars an hour. You know, um, Yeah, and they acted like you know, they were doing me this huge favor or something. It was weird. And uh, I finally like, after about a month of that, I called my mom and I was like, hey, you know, Can uh, Can you help me? Like I can’t stay at Dad’s anymore and I can’t do this Egg Farm shit. I didn’t have a vehicle or anything. It was really weird and it’s like they tried to trap me there. They were being total pieces of shit to me and uh, but I just got, I left 1 day and that was it. I got my stuff from my dad’s. My mom picked me up. And, uh, I’m that’s when I’m first moved in with my mom and I got into college and I did a bunch of stuff. It looked like, you know, I had a promising future there for a minute, but Ever since then though, like after I left her Egg Farm she just acted. Like I was this, you know, like I just stabbed her in the back or something like I was just the biggest piece of shit ever.
And we never really, and we still don’t really. Fucking talk that much the only time she ever. Uh, we didn’t talk for about 4 years, 4 years, maybe 3 years. Yeah, it was like 3 years and she called me up 1 day because she wanted some weed and I could get weed, you know? Uh,
It’s so stupid and that’s the only reason that she even, you know, and we kind of started talking again. It was lame as hell though because she just Needed me to get her weed. It’s not that because she wanted to reconnect with me or because she gave a shit or anything.
But, uh, you know, it’s really crazy to think, back on all that because I didn’t have to get into business, with my dad. I did that to help him. And you know It’s like I put up with his shit over and over and over I could have done anything else with my life and I trained my step cousin and I just had enough of his crap, you know, I was dealing with a lot.
My marriage was falling apart. That’s all I cared about, you know, we were a family and all that stuff and I still I just had a big crying episode about how much I miss my kids. Like that’s it’s like God I miss my kids, it’s the only social interaction, I really even care about, you know, it’s like gosh.
I don’t I don’t care if I have a, you know, girlfriend or any of that shit really. I just wish I saw my kids more often. I hate living 2 hours away from them, but I don’t know what else I’m going to do. I don’t know how to like, That was the whole reason I went to Honda. That was like 90%. They were paying more at Honda, but it was because Honda was closer to the kids.
That’s mostly of why I went to Honda and that was where I was supposed to do and I was going to be there and because it was, you know, 30 45 minutes away, I lived in Albertville. So I would go past, you know, the I would go through the town that my kids lived in to get home, it was just like damn, you know,
But yeah, it was really horrible and uh, it made me feel so shitty like being around my sister and her husband and their kids made me fucking want to kill myself because You know, I had just lost that it made me hate myself even more than I already did, but you know I didn’t know how to handle my ex-wife’s.
You know, out of control.
Stuff and uh, it was really crazy. But, You know, she wanted a divorce and she got it you know, We did everything like according to her timeline too, it was like, we had, she planned everything out and uh we get engaged and then we were like engaged for a certain amount of time. And then we got married. And she picked all that out. And uh, it was really crazy and she had planned out when she wanted us to have kids and what how, and where and all that. And, And we did. Then she, I guess she had done the same thing with the divorce. I think it went on a little longer than she wanted it to actually but and then I think there was a part of her that didn’t really, she was kind of scared to do it.
But I didn’t want it, but it happened and it’s weird because now I just don’t feel like I could ever go back. You know, I was uh, some Chinese. Getting hits from China, read an article uh that I posted last year after she saved my ass about a you know, like I could have gotten a DUI and really fucked up. But she saved me from that. So, I mean, it’s it’s like I talked about all that then though, but I don’t know why I’m just going off about this because I was I had only made up a song about my sister. Hahaha Yeah, Jesus. Let’s get back on track. I don’t know, but that’s kind of like the whole thing. It’s like, I’m so screwed up, I’m still screwed up. You know, from all that and that’s how big of a deal. All that was to me like the divorce and everything and my dad and my sister and
Oh they they just treated me. Like I was the biggest piece of shit in the fucking world for some reason. It’s like you know, my dad was just like you’re not the only damn person that’s ever gone through a divorce. It’s like you stupid, son of a bitch who’s been with a thousand women You know, by his own accounts bragging in front of like lots of business people.
1 woman. That was the only woman I ever, Anything. She was my First love
I mean What the Fuck, Dad?
You know, uh,
Yeah, shit like that.
You know, this fucking asshole. That cheated on my mom, all the time and fucking treated her like crap. And It was so crazy. I mean my dad was such a fucking stupid asshole. What? And but he was my dad, you know, he’s my dad and that’s why I got into business with him because his Health, got fucked up. I couldn’t have lived with myself If I hadn’t. And I thought everything would work out, you know. But that’s like I still think about it. Just pisses me off about how my sister acted because I’ve never like up until, uh, All that really even after that up until she had uh texted Mom. All a bunch of crazy mean shit about me. A couple of years ago. And that made me like, I cried, like, yelling crying out loud. Like, it was like so stupid that it hurt my feelings so bad. And I’ve never I had never said anything bad about my sister to anybody. I always told everybody I had the sweetest most beautiful just greatest sister in the whole universe. She was just the sweetest person ever.
But but she’s really you know I mean nobody’s perfect. I can’t really hate on my sister or anything, but I’m going to have a song about her and it was really funny cuz she’s like the craziest bitch in the universe after my mom
I guess that would probably make me the stupidest asshole in the universe, after my dad, you know. I don’t know how to work that into the song. I just kind of I recorded it though, so I got all the stuff I made up. As I was playing it out.
But yeah.
My sister.
My crazy ass sister.
She was 1 of the most important people in my life for a long time. I mean she just was she was my little sister, you know, I’m 3 years older than her. And uh, she was just 1 of my absolute favorite people. And that’s 1 thing, like,
Uh, I talked about like my happiest memories are with the kids and the dogs and my grandmother and my chickens, you know? Uh I don’t really have any bad memories with my grandmother, they were all good. And I have a lot of really awesome memories with my sister and my dad and my, you know, ex-wife and everything. But I can’t
2:51 AM
You know, it doesn’t.
There’s like a it’s blacked out. They they hurt me so bad with their ignorant Self-centered stupid Goddamned bullshit. That uh, you know, my a lot of my memories of them to protect my delicate. You know, fucking Brain, psychologically. Um, you know, my my fragile mind and it is I’m like it’s hyper sensitive.
Uh, that’s not even like insanely sensitive. But anyways um,
It just blacks out a lot of those.
Memories of uh I don’t think that’s really an uncommon thing either. For the human mind to do that kind of shit, but I just don’t
I’ll dream about them, you know, and dream about The life I used to have but it’s it’s really weird. I don’t have a family anymore.
You know, except the kids
But, you know, I have some cousins, I keep in touch with and all but they’re not, it’s not an active. Like I don’t have an active family anymore, that’s a good, that’s a better way to put it and even though, like, I, I message my kids almost every single day, you know, something or other, uh,
You know, I don’t see them every day and it sucks and I don’t interact with them on a, you know, like a. It’s just like I just text them. Mash hugs and tell them both of them every day. Almost every day. You know, it’s
But then when I get them, uh, then you know, we talk and have all kind of Fun and stuff, but it’s just like,
It’s a lot.
Like my daughter, uh, which I didn’t have the money but she’s like, you can get us for lunch. You know, yesterday, Saturday, I was like, well, I don’t really have the money, but it’s like a 4 Hour round trip, you know? Just go down there and get them for a couple of hours. It’s like, dang, you know,
Because I’m also exhausted. From working at a car factory. And
Yeah, that’s my life really. You know, I went out to the garage earlier and played music. And I got really tired because I’m still really tired, even though I slept a whole bunch.
But uh I didn’t eat that’s 1 of the things, I think that’s why I was so tired because I did not, I didn’t eat.
Before I, fell asleep.
Yesterday morning, you know?
But I’ve had
A lot of caffeine and no alcohol.
But yeah, it was really funny. I made that song about my sister. Like hey yeah, there we go.
She deserves a song not it’s not going to be that awful but uh she was she was like my super very best friend for a long time. Me and her and my cousin Andrew and my ex-wife
We all hung out. We used to hang out all the time like and do stuff.
But she totally you know, went on a different
Route than I did. She got uh, pregnant. In college
They got married. And I don’t know why but it was really weird.
I have a headache.
Thank you, please.
