5:06 AM
Oh gosh.
Well, it is, it is
Early in the morning.
But I’m awake I’ve been up since about 2:30.
Or something like that. Yeah. I fell asleep.
I guess it was almost midnight and I was just like dang I’ve been really, really exhausted lately.
I just wonder how much of it is allergies like, I’ve had trouble breathing and stuff and I’m sometimes I wonder if there might be something really bad wrong with me. Yeah, like cancer. Well, I’ve been really awful to my body, the last few years, I’ve been so sad. But I was thinking,
I was thinking earlier.
Uh, you know, overall I have had a wonderful magical life.
I really have. You know, I complain a lot now and stuff but And I didn’t ever really I hadn’t. Ever really gotten to do. What I wanted to do with my life, a lot of people get to do that.
But I’ve done a lot of good things and I’ve helped a lot of people. And I made the kids and I was just thinking, you know, if something is really bad wrong with me because I’ve never been this tired for this long in my life. Like, for real. I’m so exhausted right now.
And there’s nothing I can do. You know, I’ve never been this exhausted. It’s uh it’s sucks. I was going to do the cut in. I’ve been painting that room that Pooty girl moved out of And uh,
I’ve got most of it painted. I just haven’t done the cut in work. Yeah, yet. So um, Guess I could post some pictures of that.
But,
Yeah, I’m so tired. It’s like I just want to lay back down and go to sleep. I didn’t rest this weekend. I did stuff with the kids. I’ve been working on, you know, painting that room and Everything I stayed up.
I say really late. I think it was about noon. Yeah, I fell asleep. I slept for about 4 hours. Got up painted the room?
I had to go back out and get a paint roller and Uh, then I got some food.
Yeah, I don’t know, I just wondered because how awful I have felt this year. I just wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Like I’ve been having a hard time breathing. Except the other night when I ran. Like, after that chick. I guess it’s been a week ago. Yeah, to give her Her badge. I didn’t that didn’t bother my lungs at all. I don’t know, it might just be allergies, you know, that’s been going on for 3 months straight.
It’s stupid.
A lot of stuff has been stupid, but for the most part, I have had of just
I’ve had the best life really. Oh yeah, some people have had horrible, terrible lives and You know, my life has been sad. In a lot of ways, uh, since the divorce especially
And when it comes to romance and love and stuff, I’m obviously cursed But, you know, the most magical special parts of my life were the kids and the dogs and my grandmother. Yep. You know my music and art that stuff. I’ve had some just fantastic. Special Moments. I don’t know what other words to use magical and special, and Wonderful, and fantastic.
Yeah, pretty much. I’ve had a really remarkable interesting life, too. Some
Things. Things have happened to me, that don’t happen to a lot of people.
It’s actually, um,
Funny.
Yeah. Like overall, you know, I don’t have any complaints really I mean not really. So if I died in the next Few months or something this year. It’s like, hey, you it’s okay I’ve had a good run. For real, the first. Fucking 35. Years of my life were uh, that was as good as life can get.
That was about. As good. Good. As life can get. I mean, it wasn’t Perfect by any means, but I had a pretty fucking good life. Until I got divorced. And Now it’s just been struggling with like you know mental health type of shit. Mostly depression, you know,
And crazy women ruining my life, which makes me depressed. Yeah, it does. I don’t know. I’ll probably never see Brittany again or anything and she’ll probably never message me and that’ll never, I blocked her fucking massage therapist account too. I was like, you know I’m sick of this popping up on the people. I may know all the time and all she ever did was drive me crazy. And I cried about her.
As much as I cried over my ex-wife and my ex fiance. So, I mean, you know, there you go, Brittany.
Yep. She really, really mattered.
Brittany really mattered.
For a long time.
But I’m saying all that, you know, because she still pecks on my other blog.
Yeah, that’s why it’s like well
I just think she’s still just like, hey, I’m still there. You know, and she just does it to mess with my head. I don’t think it really means anything.
Or something else. We would have like ended up together or something. It’s just, and I see her on 431, like, all the time. I saw her coming in to Huntsville, I guess it’s been
Was that last weekend? You know, so I mean, whatever.
But, I don’t feel the same way about her that I did like
I hope she has a great life, you know, I guess I don’t really, you know what to think about her. I just don’t I don’t dream about her, you know, like she’s not my dream lady anymore.
Which is really sad. Because she was,
But it absolutely ruined me. Even more than I already was. It made me hate myself, just the most bitter hate for myself.
And I’m just so screwed up. It’s like she couldn’t understand. There was something wrong with me. She was like she took all that as me being a fucking piece of shit and was really, really
Really bad, really mean to me about it and you know, I’m sure she’s proud of that but it’s like okay well I mean we weren’t ever. It wasn’t ever like that. For me, it was
Really sad and terrifying.
I don’t have. A lot of nostalgia for that, you know, like I do my ex-wife and my ex fiance, it’s like
I still have a lot of nostalgia for that whole trip. Where we drove back across the country, and Stuff. And
Because she turned my alarm off and I overslept and missed my return flight. Yeah, it’s just stupid.
But that’s a big reason I’ve been single for so long and it’s also stupid. It’s so stupid. It’s also just so very stupid. But I have ice cream. I think I’m I’m actually, this is this blog post, is me letting it. Like, soften up a little bit. It’s still in the cup. It’s the peanut butter. Cups. It’s my favorite. Yeah.
I got that at Food City.
Uh, 7 hours ago. So, I just got it out of the freezer. I ate these enchiladas that were good, but they were spicy.
It just hit me weird. I didn’t. I ate a lot of them but I didn’t eat all of them. I don’t really feel that good.
That’s what I was thinking cuz I went out in the garage and I got the cut in Brush because that’s all I have left to do, um, until the
Drywall mud hardens enough to where I can sand it.
Yeah.
I just feel like crap so bad. It’s like, you know. What’s wrong with me? Should I go to the doctor? I don’t know. My energy. It’s just been absolute bullshit. This whole year.
I get really like, Tired. When I do music, I try to sing and stuff. And it’s like hard for me to do it and it just makes me wonder if I have a cancer or something. Lung cancer. Yeah, gosh, what if I do Because I did smoke a lot of fucking cigars. And cigarettes and shit for.
You know, since the divorce, you know, I was like Like chain, smoking.
I don’t know if I fucked myself up doing that.
Cuz it’s like hard to breathe. It’s weird.
It’s like a Claritin earlier, I took a Claritin.
Earlier didn’t know.
I didn’t I yeah, I don’t.
That was back, that was at like, 8:00 though, or something.
But I don’t know. That’s what I’ve been saying though. It’s like hey if my life isn’t going to get more interesting in a good way like just kill me off. And so maybe it’s not going to I just get to die. And that’s what I was thinking about. I’m like, well,
I have. I had a really wonderful, beautiful magical life overall. Yeah, gosh, I’ll never forget some of the adventures I had with my dogs. The first time I ever took my daughter on an adventure, she was 4 months old and we went and got lottery tickets from Georgia. And I had to check on a transfer switch at a chicken farm and I just like carried her in the generator building with me and Oh, she was so little and she stayed in the car seat and she would get fussy. I would give her a bottle or I would take her. I think I changed a couple of diapers and we’d get out, uh, and go like in somewhere like a store and look around and I’d fly her around like an airplane.
And that was our first adventure together.
Probably September or October 2011, you know? And the dogs, you know, Boat. And Gneegnerz
Came with me and it was, you know, us in the car. It was kind of funny.
I used to carry her all around the house I used to work on. Recording stuff like mixing and everything out in my Jam room with her like right there on my knee and she would watch. As I would click all the stuff and she was just a little baby, I would Mash her and hug her. And make up songs about everything for her. Hahaha I did the same thing with my son, but With my son. We uh you know it was just me and my daughter until my son was born and then it was it was me and
Him and her and the dogs and that was it, my ex-wife kind of She didn’t really participate in adventure. It really hurt me sometimes. All? She wanted to do was sleep.
A lot of times our adventure would consist of us going out and getting things for her and bringing them back. So she could either like yeah consume them or something or I would like I would buy stuff for supper would go to the grocery store, it’d be a huge Adventure. But she couldn’t take the kids to the grocery store by herself. She would freak out about everything and I think that was just her natural state. There wasn’t anything to ever freak out about because our kids aren’t like normal kids. You go out and see, like,
Uh, kids. You know, with their parents in stores and they throw fits and they scream And they act like little assholes and my kids never did that. My kids were like, People already.
You know, if they wanted something, if I couldn’t get it for them, I would just be like, I can’t, I’m sorry, and they would be like, that’s okay. You know, I was like, maybe I can get it next week, you know, or something. And It was just normal. I could talk to them and they would understand.
They didn’t throw a lot of fits. I mean, they did you know, crazy stuff, sometimes they were kids but they weren’t like
5:23 AM
They weren’t like most people’s kids, it’s actually really funny and everybody was always like, man, your kids are just so well spoken and smart and well behaved, and just like, they get it already. It’s like I know.
It’s a lot of that has because I always took them out and did things with them and lots and lots of positive reinforcement. And that.
Whole era there.
Uh, that was The most that was the best my life ever was like 20. Probably 20.
- Yeah, I guess I’m trying to think.
Oh, maybe 2007.
Trying to think though, for real like the best life ever was
Because like back then I was thinking I’m I’m over like complicating this with my brain.
Uh, the best my life ever was though. Was the 2010s for real? Yeah, that whole decade. Was the best my life ever was.
Until you know, towards the end and It got better. Everything started getting better in like 2022. From the divorce and all that. And then uh, of course, you know, everything got screwed up again because of Brittany and then yeah, I know it was that big of a deal. I think that’s really what finished me off. And, I just don’t know. I don’t know how to conceive of or like, or how I would even process seeing her again, like anywhere, like being face to face with her. Like, if I saw her at the store, like, I don’t know how I would react.
Um, I might You know, be like Oh my God. Or start crying. Yeah or I would run away. I don’t think I could ever like be. You know I could ever be like you fucking bitch or anything at her, you know I couldn’t be
Like that, I would die or I would I mean, I couldn’t be like that with my ex-wife, either. I just took all her shit until she finally realized that she didn’t have to be that way. You know I just have 1 thing though. I have done in my life is take a lot of shit from people.
Because I’m too nice. And for some reason, like I have such a disarming like polite disposition. That, you know if if somebody is a fucking asshole they just let it all out around me. It’s Kind of funny it’s like I make people feel comfortable, you know, the the other side of that is that people who are really awesome, I get to see that. Just as much or more actually, there are way more. There are a whole lot more decent people in this world than there are shitty people and that is a wonderful thing.
You know. Oh my God. Yeah, I mean, the shitty people will make it.
Like they’ll, you know?
They suck. Yeah, how they do but a whole lot more great people in this world. Than there are bad people.
I was talking with the boss lady roommate. Earlier, and she’s dealing with a lot, and it makes me sad. I’m not even going to charge her for painting that room. She bought the material. I’m not even going to Like I’m not going to get anything out of that, like she’s dealt with so much dumb crap in the last few weeks. And she’s a really good person.
Which is, you know. Great.
But she’s had a lot, you know, she’s had to deal with a lot of crap to and that’s how it is. It’s just like some people just have to deal with a bunch of dumb bullshit but a lot of really also uh A lot of really awesome people, they won’t put up with bullshit.
And I just, I don’t know a lot of times, I feel sorry for people who are awful because there’s a reason why they’re awful. And a lot of time that has to do with their parents because not everybody. They can. Be a great person in every other way and still be a shitty parent and
That creates a really screwed up person. And in varying, you know, degrees like my dad, for example, horrible dad. Just he he just was, but as far as like in every other way, he was great, my mom was the same way. Yeah. Like there are some people who my mom saved them. Like she did, you know, my mom has done really really good things for people, life-changing things
In positive ways. My dad has 2 but they were really self-absorbed. Crappy parents, I don’t understand. It made me a better parent, though. It made me be the parent. I wish I would have had My ex-wife was like that too. She wanted to be the mom that she wish she had. We talked about that a lot when we had kids we were like, dang, you know? Cuz it made us realize just how screwed up our parents really were. But that was the best my life ever was. I can’t imagine it ever being that great again.
It’s not bad. Now at all, though. Yeah, not at all. I just wish I had a girlfriend and I guess. But, and then, you know, Be feeling like crap all the time that would make me happy. That would not help. I don’t know. That might help I said that might help.
This stupid fucking app. Stupid app. It’s a stupid. Asshole, not really it’s actually yeah. Takes a lot of the work out of like typing, you know. I just talk.
But yeah, I do I feel really
Like blah.
I was just thinking it just hit me it’s like nah, you know, if I die if something happens to me. Um, And I do end up dying, I’ve had a great run.
For real. Like, overall my life has been amazing and I’m grateful for that.
I made the 2 best people in the universe and I’ve made a lot of really. Stupid fun songs that my friends, like And, you know, I wish I had a music career, but whatever. I don’t really care if I’m any more famous than I’m not famous at all, you know? But I don’t really care if I get that way in my lifetime, I’m might haha be1 of those people, that get discovered after they die. And then I might not ever any of that, you know,
Like all the goodness and all this stuff. I passed that down through my kids and they’ll pass that down through their kids and
You know, it’ll it might get Like some big thing happen to them later on or something.
It it would have been really awesome to have had a music career back in the day. You know, when I had my youth and I could have done interviews and went got on like, just be on stage the times. I have done it. You know? And from hundreds of people, it’s like well imagine being in front of tens of thousands of people. Oh my gosh, how about that? And people you know just love your stuff so much. Cuz I’m a big fan of, like, some bands, and
Uh, I don’t know, I just like the whole idea of being a like a rock star.
That was what I wanted to do.
And not even, not even like a superstar or anything just like, you know, just where I made a decent living at it.
But I don’t do it for like any other reason than for itself, you know? That’s
Kind of what’s depressed me lately because I’ve got, uh, All these songs and stuff now. And
My voice, like my energy level, and my voice has been fucked up. And it’s like, what if I have like? Throat or lung cancer and it’s like spreading and it’s making me that’s what’s making me feel so tired. And I just can’t bring myself to go to the doctor and what stuck out once I read of the bass player for the, what was the bass player? Was it the New York Dolls? And he, um, I never listened to them or anything, but I read about him
He got out of the music business, I think and was
Worked in the library at this Mormon. Church or something and then like 1 day, he was just not feeling good and he went to the doctor and they told him he was full of cancer and he just went home and laid down and died.
Yeah.
I don’t know, maybe it’ll get better. Maybe I’m just being like extreme about it.
Just trying to.
Okay. Yeah, that’s what it was. I just looked him up. Uh, he was like he thought he just had the flu.
And then he checked himself into a hospital and they said, he had leukemia, and then he died in like, 2 hours.
Man, we probably would have been good friends. Yeah, I don’t know. He just seemed like a cool guy.
I don’t really know what else to say. Yeah, you know uh I was just thinking about that. So I had to make a blog post
I’m probably going to eat this ice cream, and Gosh, that’s 1 thing though. I have done too, I’ve eaten a lot of really good food.
Oh my gosh, that’s 1 of my favorite. Things is food. A lot of people can say that though, I mean food is pretty universally loved. By, you know, most people.
I guess, maybe, and this might sound kind of gross but I do wish I had more of a sex life. Yeah, but some like the consequences or whatever the all the crazy bullshit that goes with it, the people drama element Yeah, that’s what it’s like. I just I couldn’t I don’t even want to talk about that. Haha. Yeah, gosh. But I really do. Wish I had a girlfriend.
Hey, what else can I say? It’s uh, it’s it’s Monday morning. Thank you, please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 