Wednes d ay

11:13 AM
Hello. Yep.

I’m just laying here in the bed, and I woke up about an hour ago.

And it’s like,

It’s pretty rough. Well, the first week back from being off and you wouldn’t think it would make that much of a difference just being off for a week and I stayed really busy too. So it’s like I shouldn’t be that, you know, I shouldn’t

It shouldn’t be that hard, but

Uh, Monday night. I was like killing it. You know, at work. I was like, go, go, go, go, go. And

Uh, it didn’t even bother me. I was like well this ain’t shit. This is great. Thank goodness. I did a whole bunch of crap over the shutdown. And then last night about The last quarter, I started getting really, really tired, and sore. And,

Oh, it just sucks.

And now just feel like I got ran over by a car or something. But I’m going to try to go back to sleep.

I just thought I would make a post.

It’s a Wednesday, I guess.

I don’t know, I guess still, it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes, I Really do wish. I could kill myself.

Yep. The only thing is the kids, you know it’s the only thing really keeping me here. I guess that never really goes away. That’s been the case for a long long time. I just don’t care about myself like a normal person. At all. And I’m just, uh,

I get really tired of it and burned out and

You know, that’s been my life for a while. I do my best but it’s like, I still don’t understand why I’m here. Other than you know, it’s it’s like, yeah I have kids and I guess they need me in some capacity but shit, they’re 2 hours away, you know. I get to see them if I’m lucky like 4 days a month.

And that’s really, really hard. And uh,

You know, I wished I had a lady, but Fucking all the chicks from work are crazy. And I don’t have anything in common with any of them and it freaks me out and I never get out and that girl got in my fucking brains but that you know, what the hell even is that?

Still not convinced that she hasn’t put some kind of spell on me and that happens. You know, that’s happened to me a lot if I’ve had if I had a nickel for every time some chick put a spell on me, I’d probably have about 2 dollars hahaha. I’m serious though.

I don’t know that stuff’s kind of popular. Now, you can watch Tik Tok videos on how to put spells on people. Anybody can do it. They just Think Oh silly fun but they seriously don’t realize that like they shouldn’t it’s like no it’s not some bullshit. You can really

Really messed things up, and then it comes all back on to you.

I guess unless you’re Brittany and then you can ruin my fucking life and so yours can be awesome. Apparently, right? It’s Yeah, she pecked on my other blogs the other night. I haven’t checked it since Monday. I think it was Monday.

And I just,

Really don’t.

Know why that’s still relevant? It’s like, yeah, great, you got to You find your like path or whatever. That’s awesome. You know, something some imbalance existed somewhere, I guess but Damn it just gets so old for me. I did have uh I did get a bunch of art supply stuff. I’m going to work on art this weekend.

But I only slept for about

4 and a half 5 hours or something. Probably not even that and uh, So I really do need to go back to sleep.

It’s going to try and focus on that and uh, you know, just getting through this week but it’s just over and over and over and over and I guess 1 thing last week did it was like dang you know,

I sure do miss like, You know, the freedom of just not having to do something like build cars every day and It’s, uh, it’s really funny because I have a really great job, but

It gets old.

I reckon, you know, for me, it’s like I never imagined 25 years ago that I would be as miserable as I am now.

But I have, you know, a record of all this and in my blogs it’s like, hey here’s me being crazy. It’s So, It’s kind of funny, how life ended up for me, when all I really wanted to do was Music and art and love 1, woman forever. And that really was the last thing there that, you know, was

Not something I fully understood.

I mean, that did since I did have a such an isolated Sheltered upbringing that I really just I was really naive about Especially that like love and stuff but then you know human beings in general.

I’ve never really felt like I’ve been like I’m part of the whole thing. Like, everybody else seems to be

And it is really alienating sometimes.

I think that’s what made the divorce so bad, you know, it was Before that happened. I didn’t give a shit before, like I met my ex-wife. I didn’t give a fuck, I just I kind of fell for her, you know, talking to her every day, and when we met it, just kind of, you know, went from there and

Love can make you do really?

Uh, do things that you don’t think about what that you would do, until you have to do them too like, I don’t know. It hurts. It’s crazy. How love can totally fuck you up.

I’m getting hungry again. I did Taco Tuesday yesterday.

And um, I got Biscuit Express this morning.

I’ll probably eat somewhere.

Decent for, uh, breakfast or some crap? I don’t know. I had a Taco Mama. Fucking uh Monday and that shit sucked. It was like a shitty fucking More expensive version of Chipotle’s or some shit where they just. It’s just, it’s just wasn’t good. I don’t even know. How to describe it. It was like it was not worth. The money that I spent on it, and I did, I got a margarita because I was so fucking

Just unhappy about having to go back to work. And it was awful. The whole thing and I’ll never go back there.

I can’t believe I even did that and spent all that money. But yeah. Um it’s just like dang. I kind of

On 1 hand like, you know, what the hell am I even complaining about? But on the other, it’s like, Well, I could have done anything else with my life and the fact that I’m having to do a bunch of shit that I am not interested in at all? You know, I just it’s because I got married and got into business with my dad. Like that’s those are like

And I think about that sometimes more than I probably should. But it’s, you know, It sucks that I am so miserable like oh my God, it’s awful.

And how much does anything even matter? You know, it’s like well I would like to finish my

Music, like my album and stuff that I’ve been working on forever because I keep changing what I want to do with it.

Uh but I need to uh, I think I’m just going to do my C standard stuff.

And get that recorded. And then I have the coworker album to work to work on, you know, And then the concept album that I can’t do if somehow that chick that’s been in my brains. If we end up together, I can’t do the concept album.

I know, right? Yeah. So it’s like, well, you know, so I don’t care one way or the other, really? I’ll like that would be really funny. But I was looking around poking around, uh, Facebook as you can. It’s funny how much you can at least deduce or make up in your head about shit on Facebook. And like all those people, you can see when they like Stopped reacting to each other’s stuff. Like I was thinking about because they were all. All those chicks were like, friends, like that. Girl, that I dated, from up here. And um all the I mean they all do, they all go out to the same like, what Moody Mondays And Maggie Meyers and fucking what’s the other 1? Uh, the Voodoo Lounge. And oh God, there’s like 2 or 3 other places that people go out. And uh, you know, the bars and the music places and shit and Big Spring Park and apparently there was a big uh drone Like show the other day that I missed, but a whole bunch of people that because they were all posting about it. They were there. It was kind of like the abortion rally. Uh gosh that was 2019 though and that chick that. I dated, I took a picture of her holding a sign and that’s like on her pictures. It’s like I had to take that picture.

That was a really I don’t know if I hadn’t lived an hour and a half away, it wouldn’t have been that bad. But that was just 2 months that her and I were like whatever the fuck that was I could call her my girlfriend but

You know, I don’t really know that she saw it that way. It was

Really just another example of me being stupid.

And, uh, you know, I mean she was, that was really important to me. The Only, you know, the fact that I

I don’t know how to really explain it, but

It didn’t really amount to anything or go anywhere and it just made me realize. It’s like, well, I just practically wasted 2 months, you know. That’s how. Anyways, you know that’s how it felt. I was just thinking because I have like stayed away from all that shit for A long time, like 5 years over 5 years. Now, I remember when March. I think it was. Yeah. March, the 17th. Because it’s St. Patrick’s Day. That’s how it even. I even remember it but uh, that’s when Stephanie dumped me in 2021 and I’ve been single ever since then, And I’ve entertained the idea of like going out and dating and stuff, but I don’t care, it’s really stupid and the only reason I would like

I just don’t have anything in common. And my contemporaries and stuff are so, like out there. That they’re not found in places like Huntsville, Alabama. You know, I’d have to go out to like, I mean, I don’t get out though so there could be some people, you know around, but I doubt it. So, I would have to go.

Fuck. I don’t even know how.

You know, some other big city where shit actually happens. Yeah. Haha

And I really didn’t realize just how different my ex-wife and I was when we were first together, the first few years we were together. And then how much we grew apart the last Well, really after we had kids, I realized how energetically incompatible we were And that was really hard, but,

You know, I romanticize a lot of things, you know, because I’m retarded But uh, I hate to say that, you know, sometimes as much as I still like,

Well, not as much. What am I saying? I don’t do it that much, but every now and then, I still cry over my exwife, you know, I think about her and stuff, but the that relationship ran, its course.

11:28 AM
This horrible, though, that it ended. I was just.

But then, it’s like, I could Have I could have done anything else with my life. It’s uh,

I guess I never I wouldn’t have married her if I knew we were going to get divorced and she you know tried to rationalize it towards the end she was like well you know nobody goes into marriage thinking they’re going to get divorced but it was all her and she wanted a divorce more than anything else and It was really really, really traumatic and stupid for me and it was just I don’t know what she had made up in her head.

But it’s over, you know, has been for 8 years and it’s like, dang and I still cry about her sometimes.

But the kids came out of it and they are just absolutely the best people ever ever made.

I didn’t kind of makes me wonder, you know what is really my purpose like for being here? Anyways.

I sure did want a music career, I did. Yeah.

And uh,

I could have had that you know it’s like if I would have thought about it I could have like

I don’t know, most people get their fucking shit like established. And then um, you know then they settle down and have families and stuff and I did the opposite. Really, I don’t know what the hell I was doing I guess, I got Sucked into everything and I knew that it’s, uh, Well that’s the thing. I just wanted to love 1, woman forever and my ex-wife. I thought that would be great and I thought it would get better and it got worse and It was a lot of stuff that if I’d have had any prior like real relationship experience we wouldn’t have lasted our first year. Together it it was really stupid but like I said, the kids something, you know about something needed The DNA to combine from me and my ex-wife to make those 2 really super awesome people. But you know, she got to carry on with her life and she has a pretty good life actually and You know, I just got thrown in the fucking dumpster and

I’m I’m still kind of in it. Psychologically, anyways.

Yeah, I mean, I guess you know, and I do I try and distract myself from it but it’s like,

That’s kind of the thing. It’s a human life. You can only really do so much with it, right? I mean and what even is this fucking place? Like we’re on a planet? On a little round ball you know and it’s not little when you’re on it as a human. But You know, compared to I guess everything else. It’s a little except the moon and a few other planets. That’s at least, that’s what they say, right? Like who the fuck knows anything?

I know that I’m really, really tired. And,

I wish I had more free time to do like stuff. That I really enjoy, and

I really enjoy doing. Yeah, I wish I had more free time for that but Yeah, that’s what I’m mean. It’s like well, you know, I lived my life, I did. I mean the first 30, something years 37 years, right? And then it just Went to shit. And I’ve just been kind of like

Um,

It’s been kind of existing, you know, I haven’t really thought much about anything and

I just kind of exist now. Yeah, I don’t believe you know, because I am so far away from the kids and that year that I didn’t get to see them on a regular basis and how 1 lady and she has the fucking shittiest taste in music too. How that was able to just completely ruin my life. And drive me so fucking crazy.

And continue doing that and how that even, you know, I guess. Yeah thinking about like girls putting spells on me and shit like that. Brittany took the cake. I don’t know what all and of course she probably couldn’t have Done. A lot of that if I haven’t had given her the artifact But it’s like, you know, and I just feel like I’m all chewed up and spat out and it’s a big reason why I had such a bad drinking problem and why I did kratom all the time because it made it somewhat tolerable.

It’s like yeah, I’m a fucking You know me for my own self and my own dreams that I had. I just feel like a waste And I do I try to distract myself from it but it just keeps going back to that. It’s like God damn it, you know.

All Because Of Love.

God, I hate to think that it’s like that for everybody and it’s not some people get all their dreams come true. And then some people don’t, you know, I guess you got to have that contrast there. And I’m 1 of those people that apparently, I don’t, you know, I just get to toil and languish in Oblivion

Except the 2 weekends a month. I get the kids and, uh, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to

Try and to do better but just

I guess Time’s like this it just hits a. What am I saying? It catches up to me.

What

Am I even doing with my life? But then like,

You know.

I would almost rather it could just be over. Instead of you know, like just keep putting forth, this insane amount of effort with like no gains at all about anything,

Of course, I can’t see, 5 years down the road or even 1 year down the road. But

You know, right now it’s just like, dang, it’s just gotten old. Because it is the same shit over and over. And uh,

Kind of it kind of makes sense though like how the lifespan of a human being isn’t really very long. I mean, it’s not it seems like it is You know, sometimes especially when you’re younger, you know, but

It is a really short and I think that’s a lot of it, because everybody’s just kind of plays their role, a little piece of the puzzle, you know.

And uh, you know, moisture pieces set in there.

What?

The stupid fucking app. Anyways. Yeah, once your, you know, once you are put in there where you will you fit, which is, everybody’s cut out in different ways. And fit in different places, you know, once you’re set in there, that’s that’s your place and your purpose. And I feel like, that’s what has, you know, that’s what happened to me. And I’m just, this is where I’m at. That’s my This is my place. You know, and I’m set too like it’s uh it’s like yeah, you’re just going to do this until your body like you just have a heart attack or something and die on the fucking line at work. And I’ve seen that happen that happened at Honda with this chick, she just killed over

They stopped the line for about 30 minutes? Yeah they stopped at the line for about 30 minutes and got her body out of there and then started right back up. Yep. That’s car factory life, right? That’s any Factory and that sounds horrible and all. But, you know,

It happens.

And there’s not anywhere else that pays as good as what my job does, like anywhere in this whole state. And that’s, uh, You know, that’s kind of 1 thing but then I’m so far away from the kids, which is a 80% of why I went to Honda, you know, the money was a little better at the time, it’s not now but uh I’m just too far away from my kids and that’s the only thing that I truly care about is my kids.

But you know, it’s like I said, I could see them. If I’m lucky 4 days a month, you know,

The weeks that I get paid. I get paid every 2 weeks and the weekend. After I get paid, that’s when I usually get the kids for something. And then it’s back to Oblivion. It’s weird. Yeah. And uh, You know, I’ll like I’ll get the weekends, you know, every other weekend I’ll have to myself and I’ll work on stuff and I’ll sleep and then, you know, snap your fingers and you’re right back at work and then it’s almost the end of July, you know, it’s I haven’t done. Anything that I wanted to do. Um, this year at all and like last week I was off all week but I spent it working, you know, I had a lot of stuff I was going to do but then you know, 1 day doing house remodeling turned into 3 I had to move all my stuff into this room and That took a lot longer and then dealing with the Kratom withdrawals. You know, that fucking I guess that’s kind of the thing I wanted to talk to about it in my last post because uh It it really had a lot of an effect on my energy and stuff and I could have I could have just went and got more but I guess there’s a part of me. I want to get off of it. And because I’ve been on it for so long, it’s like, well maybe this will help And maybe me talking right now is just uh, you know, it was still the effects of it leaving my brain and everything but like Jesus Christ. I’m so fucking tired right now. And it’s all I ever Am anymore. You know, and

Like why do I have all this stuff that I wanted to do if I’m not going to get to do it, you know.

It’s just like, it’s just so stupid.

This turned into a long post. I’ve been talking for a long time and it’s been picking up everything to edit the hell out of it because it’s picked up everything. So stupid

But uh, yeah whatever.

Thank you, please.