7:30 PM
Oh my goodness. What am I doing? Well, I just got back from um, a Sam’s Club Adventure. You know, if you want to call it that, Haha I got me some bread and This lime chicken rice stuff, and? Sushi. I got the crab rangoon Sushi, which I hadn’t tried before. And it was really good. It was like eating candy almost.
And that is the first thing I’ve eaten.
Today. Yeah uh well it’s kind of weird too cuz I’m on night shift. So it’s like the days are like half of The day is in another day, so let’s see. Hold on.
I guess it’s the first thing I’ve eaten in like 12 hours. Yeah. Okay.
Um, but I finally fell asleep. Oh gosh, I stayed up all night long from maybe 5 p.m. yesterday until like 1:00 p.m. Today. Doing art and being crazy. And, uh,
Practiced my guitar a little bit. The nylon string. I don’t practice enough.
Doing tremoloes. That sounds. Some of them sometimes it sounds good. But uh You Know, Mastery of It don’t, I don’t have. Haha. It’s non-existent. Yeah, I’m I’m really just I’m trying to like go up and down the strings with it and that’s hard. I got a little, like thing going with the, uh,
With a G chord. And then my right hand, the picking hand got fucking tired. But I had been doing it for, you know, like 30 minutes straight,
What, um,
But yeah, I went to Sam’s Club and that chick has been in my fucking brains. Really, really bad this week and it started again this weekend. Yeah, this it was like it started yesterday evening when I walked to the dollar store, She started getting into my brains and I don’t know what she wants me to do. I’m not sending her a friend request. But Sam’s Club is up there, kind of close to where she lives.
And I was like, well maybe I’ll run into her up here and I went to the Walmart like the little market thing they have. Because I did not get milk at Sam’s Club or orange juice and I got a carrot cake, but I got those at the little market.
I love carrot cake.
Carrot cake is my favorite cake.
But uh yeah I don’t know, driving around up there too. It’s like it’s right by the UA H campus and It does. Sometimes I’m just glad it’s not like October. You know, because I have uh like Nostalgia episodes but like they’re not they’re not pleasant. I have like these flashbacks to when I was going to UAH and then when I fucked it all up for a crazy woman.
I sure did and I hated myself for that. I still kind of do actually, but then it’s like, well, all this other stuff happened, the Circumstances but Oh, I could have done a lot more, awesome things. I think if I would have If I could have gotten a degree. In something, you know, and that’s the thing, like it would have taken. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I was going to say this, it would have taken a few, you know years. I wouldn’t have just I probably still would have done house, remodeling and I just didn’t know what I was doing. I wish I could go back and do that all over like differently because I would probably What I would probably do is just take a couple of online classes. I took a full load. I took 5 classes. Yeah. Which was really kind of stupid you know and then I had like I got that job at Federal Mogul. Which is is called tennico now. But back then they were just starting to transition but uh, it was You know, it was working a full-time job and going. I was juggling that and classes, uh, working third shift. So I worked at like all night long and then I had classes during the day and I slept and napped around, I did that for a couple of months, and if I could have hung in there for another month and a half, But then, I met my ex fiance, I met my ex fiance and I’ve told that story a billion times, you know, in this blog I think
And I don’t really feel like telling it again, but it just makes me Like sometimes I just feel like crap when I go by UAH just like yeah, I sure did have the best opportunity. I was ever given after the divorce and I fucked that up so bad and I take full responsibility for it. But also That I had no idea what I was doing and was way in over my head. And I was trying to, you know, I was thinking about the conditions that existed the time, you know, at the time That I did all that. And it was just
You know, I had kind of unrealistic expectations. I didn’t realize how screwed up I really was, but I didn’t know what I like. I was still, um, reeling. That’s like I don’t even know how to even I mean the divorce, I hadn’t been divorced for 2 months, you know, when I started college, barely 2 months and My ex-wife was like, Trying to be nice to me and it was weird. It like it freaked me out really bad. I was like, she’s just going to reel me in to make me like to torture the hell out of me even more or something. And I just that’s what I thought she was doing. I thought she was setting me up.
Nobody understands the crazy shit that I had to deal with from her because you know, it was all her constantly throwing the most insane bullshit at me I mean, It was just, it was so fucking bad. I tried to kill myself over It. Yeah I did and so you know nobody really and everybody’s just like oh you’re just being over dramatic you know like that’s why I hate my fucking sister and my dad about. It’s like y’all are so fucking stupid.
Oh my God, fuck them. Yeah, but like uh fucking oh my God, fuck them. So fucking To hell really. Yeah. When I think about it, it’s like God.
Shittiest, fucking people. God, fucking the hell. Kind of bullshit fucking family. You know, did I fucking come from anyways? I don’t know. What the hell was I saying? I was just I kind of Had a brain malfunction thinking about all that.
But yeah, I wasn’t exactly of sound mind, back then I guess I was not. Yeah, I was like, oh, I was so screwed up and I was crying, still over My ex wife and she was being fucking crazy and it was weird. And then I had a girlfriend who was, uh,
Also being really crazy and where she was really, she could like she’s like why is your ex wife being nice to you all of a sudden, you know? And She was giving me a lot of shit about that and that messed with me and I was still on a lot of medication and And uh, And then out of nowhere, you know. Um, I’m in, I like got back on Facebook. I finally got away from that girlfriend. And she had a lot of really, uh, perverse. Sex Kinks. Very, um, I could not accommodate. Yeah, very disturbing. Yeah. Uh
That’s that’s why that relationship didn’t go anywhere, but she acted like, you know, we were just going to get
Hello.
Yes, you, that’s how I mean. She acted like, you know, she owned my fucking soul and, uh, But, you know, when we first got together, I thought she was really, really awesome. She was so smart and funny. She had this whacked out sense of humor. I was like, dang, you’re like the most Disturbed chick I ever met. But I didn’t realize Exactly how far that went, haha you know, I thought it was just like disturbing in a funny way but no, no, no, no, oh no.
And uh, but she brought that out later into the whole thing. I think I mean the divorce was Final, uh, and like that week I was uh, I was like, hey, you know, I asked her out and we just kind of like hung out a bunch and that was
I guess about a month and a half into it. Yeah. And uh she was like, hey, I need to talk to you about something and you know, this is stuff, she should have gotten out of the way first. So, But um, you know, I just thought I had met my You know, it was only the second woman I had ever been with, like, ever dated or done anything with or anything. You know, I had my ex-wife since I was 19 until I was 37 and like she was my first everything, you know. So uh I was I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing anyhow and I just thought, you know, I’d met Potentially wife. Number 2. I was really happy though. That I had found somebody. That I liked so much, but I didn’t know where that was.
I didn’t know her that well. And uh, but so I was dealing with all this crap though, too. And I was trying to get away from her because I was like, there’s no way That I can do the things that she wants me to do you know it it just it’s it’s it’s really really gross. I’m not going to talk about that. It was the grossest thing. You can imagine things series of things, lots of things. That was really, really, really bad. And, um, and what’s so funny is, she’s a, a program director at a mental health facility. Now she’s uh, She’s a psychologist. So yeah, that’s what was so funny about it. I called her. Dr. Allison
But anyways. So I was dealing with that and my ex-wife being like, kind of Creepy almost but I don’t I just didn’t trust it. I mean this woman used to burn me with cigarettes, you know, and she was so drunk all the time and whacked out of her gourd and uh that she doesn’t remember a lot of stuff and I do vividly because I wasn’t like I was on medication though. I was on a lot of medication but it was to deal with her. It was really stupid and I didn’t know anything and I was
Just so naive. I had a really, you know, sheltered
Isolated upbringing. And that has I mean that really catches me off guard sometimes because I don’t understand human beings on the average. Like what It’s like there’s just something that most people. Seem to get that I don’t about other people. I’m really, Idealistic and impressionable and stupid and naive when it comes to human beings. I see the best in everybody. And uh, You know, actually sometimes that there though, because I’m just, I just radiate that bullshit. Anyways, that is really like
Uh some people really, really can’t stand me because of that. And I think that’s 1 reason why I have so much trouble sometimes with with certain co-workers. And not all co-workers. You know, like 95% of my co-workers. I usually don’t I don’t have problems with but you know, I would say 99%. Yeah. There’s always like
About 1 or 2 people. At any job that hate my guts.
And I think that has a lot to do with it. But yeah, I’m trying to like rationalize Um, or try to be nice to myself because I do feel like shit. Every time I drive past the UAH campus, it’s like, you know, I mean, I know that was 8 years ago
7:42 PM
But uh, God So that bothered me and then that chick being in my brains and I was like gosh you know I’m not stalking her.
I don’t know if she put a spell on me or what? That crap was. I’ve talked all about that though. You know, I think was that the week before last already? Yeah. It is Sunday, right? Yep, it is
Oh gosh. I ate that felt so good to eat. I have a I was starting to shake. I was so like deprived of
Stuff, I guess. It’s just because I’m spoiled from eating regular meals, though. Haha. What a condition?
But I didn’t like I barely left my room. Um, I did this morning and I got up and walked around for about an hour.
And then I did, uh, I did this big poster board with markers, it’s kind of crazy looking. And then I did this little bitty thing.
Uh, with colored pencils and it’s called the colors of kindness. That’s what the package said. I swear, I’ll post pictures and
then the, uh, the picture I drew was kind of stupid, but I hung it up on the wall. And then I found this, uh, wine art.
Um, painting, I don’t know if I mentioned that in the last post. On the side of the road. It was piled up like with a bunch of other crap. I think it was like DVDs and movies. It was somebody’s Ex. Yeah, somebody’s fucking X something. They just, uh, Put their piled their shit up on the curb and I was like, hey, there’s uh, there’s a cool painting and I remember my ex-wife used to do those paint.
Wine painting things with her mom and her sister.
It’s like the the tree, you know, with the little circle all around it and all the whatever colors they wanted to do the paint. Whoever uh whoever painted this 1, their favorite color must have been orange or something.
Which uh I only know a handful of people whose favorite color is, orange. I think, uh, My team lead at work, his favorite color is orange. But that’s a rare favorite color from my experience. I’ve, I’ve met more people whose favorite color is yellow.
Than people whose favorite color is orange. You know, most people’s favorite colors are like blue or red or purple. Or green. Or something like that, but
Anyways.
Yeah, it’s like, you know, if I could go back and do anything differently and I would I totally would, but I’d have to know what I know. Now, is 1 of those things, you know, I would like, I would have managed classes a lot better, I would have just Taken a couple of classes on line at first. And still did house remodeling and lived in The Farmhouse and all that.
Instead of, uh, I had a pel grant, you know, like I fucked that up so bad it was so fucking awful.
I have. I have fucked up a lot of stuff in the last 8 years, but I didn’t think I would live this long. And that’s kind of the thing, you know, it’s just
It’s been really hard.
Because a lot of the stuff I struggle with is psychological. And sometimes it’s crippling, you know, Like I really don’t when I’m home, I don’t like to leave my room at all. I don’t like to like it’s I get really like
I get freaked out and like, I get really bad social anxiety, when I go to Sam’s Club, it’s, it’s silly. Because there’s so many people there. And uh that’s kind of what happened earlier. I was like, oh my God, I got 3 things and got the fuck out, and forgot to get milk. And Uh you know, other stuff so I was like, oh yeah, I got to get more crap. I got to go to a different place.
But um, Shit, I don’t know.
But I was living out of my vehicle, that was another thing when I was going to, you know, those 2 months, I was going to school up here, I would come back to my moms. And like, get a shower and stuff. I would go 3 or 4 days without a shower.
You know, and then I would go back because I couldn’t afford the gas back and forth from here to Albertville. And then I got paid, uh, for that job. Like my first, I only got like 2 paychecks from that job, but, you know, it was, uh, 1 of those paid every 2 week jobs though. But it was it sucked that I fucked all that up for a lady who uh
I don’t know what she was doing, you know, I call her my ex fiance but I really just think she wanted to take somebody for a ride. That’s what my mom said. Anyways, you know.
And it made sense. Because like she dumped me and then that same week she had somebody else already, you know, which I think she said that was her twin flame. She was I just remember her posting in the intj dating group and I was like you fucking cunt and she’s like, oh this narcissist, you know, it’s like that fucking crazy bitch, got into my phone and turned my damn alarms off. But uh,
Yeah, like she almost it was almost like she had planned the whole thing or something. She like she was trying to keep me there. It was weird. Yeah. And then I think she realized what she had done and she’s like oh my gosh! Well we can drive back, we can drive back across the whole country and we did And it was a really magical special experience until you know, the end and then reality hit and it’s like oh man, I lost I lost that job. And uh, You know, I put College on hold but, you know, I really just
I was so screwed up. I wanted to kill myself so much, you know, the whole time after that. And you know, after all the after she turned around and went back home, it’s like You know why do I exist? I felt horrible enough after the divorce. I still struggle with all that
Oh my gosh. Yeah it did. All that stuff. Just came floodingbback into my brain earlier and I don’t know why I drove past the UAH campus. Yeah I was I turned on Jordan Lane. And kind of went up Holmes Avenue, because that’s I think the Sam’s Club is off that road, actually But uh, Yeah, I usually don’t go that way.
But yeah, I met, I met her in the fall and like all, you know, how the fall has its own atmosphere? And so that’s, uh, you know, it it really gets really bad. I think I was working at Honda and I had come up here because the dealership, the GPS sent me in, uh, that way, because it was right off University. But like right up past Sparkman and everything, And uh I had a damn Come apart like on the way back. I got my vehicle serviced. It was like I had an appointment at like 7 a.m. or something. And then I drove all the way back down to the gym in Lincoln. And uh oh my gosh. I just I like I worked out for about an hour and just started crying thinking about everything. I’d fucked up thinking you know well I didn’t you know, that’s just how it goes.
Yeah, but it was like October of 2022 and
It had been 4 years since I met her.
- Oh, that was the craziest year, that’s the craziest year I ever had so far. I don’t want another crazy year like that. But uh gosh, this is turning into a long post.
Part of me wants to go back to sleep. Yeah.
I didn’t rest yesterday though, that’s the thing, I drank a bunch of coffee and did art.
Thank you, please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 