10:02 PM
Okay, well,
Yeah, gosh, I sure did crash out with my emotions earlier.
It’s like I traveled back to where my mind was at in like August and September of 2018.
It really, uh, Really sucks.
I don’t understand. Like anything. You know what my life has even been about? Like what even is anything about, right?
I guess all I really ever wanted was a music career.
Yep. And then just things, you know? What happened?
Well, you know, I got Got married and got into business with my dad.
I just think about how much that really.
Ruined me, like all that I did.
And I didn’t have to do any of it, you know, but I couldn’t And I couldn’t have lived with myself and I go over this in my head way more than I probably should but it’s because
I just feel like a dead end
It’s like yeah, I could have been, it could have been great but I just don’t really Care about myself. I don’t know how to,
I used to, it’s just
You know, it’s like anything I ever really wanted to do it. It never mattered. It’s like all about when I got with my ex-wife, you know, it was all about her and it happened gradually. You know, I tried to like, do my stuff too, but she didn’t care, you know, I don’t understand what any of that was about really looking back on it. She never really made sense to me. But I loved her. I mean that’s kind of the thing it’s like I just thought that was my lady forever and ever and it wasn’t perfect and sometimes it was downright just the most miserable I’ve ever been Because of the way she treated me and I could have I could have done a lot better but uh there was a you know, we had a few fights where it was like breakup level, you know, stuff and I just couldn’t do it.
I loved her too much. It was weird.
And then, you know, my dad it was really hard to see him, get old and He wouldn’t leave me alone. He never left me alone. I, I can’t put into words how possessive and controlling my dad was Until I just I had enough of it and You know, when you put You get put in a place to where the somewhere. You don’t belong at all. That you don’t even it, like it causes. It hurts to exist in, you know, like my dad’s world just all of it.
It just, oh God. It was so.
Excruciating. I don’t know. There’s really no words. It just, it just Fucking destroyed me, because You know, I was given a completely different skill set than him and I just don’t, I just didn’t understand it. It’s like I said, we’ll say that my last post I was I’m just really naive and Stupid. I had a really sheltered. It was that bad. Yeah, It was really, you know isolated sheltered upbringing.
My mom was very, uh, also, very controlling and possessive and hovering and Uh suffocating both my parents were pretty suffocating. Mom was when I was a kid and then After dad? Retired from the military and because of his health and stuff, his he had like back problems and shit.
And he just never would leave me alone because he couldn’t do his business. Like, you know, the generator business by himself anymore, he needed help and I was the only person who could put up with him. But I didn’t do it because you know, It was easy. Or it was, I was good at it or anything, you know, I did because he was my dad.
And I guess, you know, it was 1 of those things. I cared more about my ex-wife than I did myself my own stupid crap and I cared more about my dad than I cared about my own stupid crap. And it’s just, it’s like you don’t realize what you’re getting yourself into, and then 10 years, you know, a Whole Decade Zips past and
I don’t know, I guess also. The big part of it is I miss my kids.
I miss my kids all the time. That’s the worst of it. I mean, but other stuff is just kind of It’s like, well, you know, yeah, that’s Well, I really just didn’t make any sense After I met my ex fiance, you know, and fucking fucked up College.
Uh,
I kind of just gave up on myself after that, you know, I was just existing for the kids sake, which I still am. You know, it’s just now I live 2 hours away from them and it
Really sucks.
I’m tired. I can’t go to sleep. I can’t I like I stayed up all night. I mean, I did drink a lot of coffee but I couldn’t. I just I couldn’t do anything like restful. I had to do stuff. I had to be
It was, it was nuts. My ex-girlfriend messaged me this morning. She was like, I didn’t sleep all night and I haven’t eaten anything and I don’t know why it’s like, hey me too. That’s fucking stupid.
I don’t know what’s going on with her. I think she’s getting bored of her fucking boyfriend that she’s had for. About 2 years now. Yeah. He’s uh,
Some. You know.
Boring little Peckerwood, dude. And that’s, uh, but she goes after those kind of guys, because she can control them, you know, and she’s smarter than they are so she can manipulate them. She couldn’t do that to me. That was a big reason. Why uh she dumped me but that you know, there’s an underlying reason why she feels like she has to have, you know, be with a stupid little, dude, she can control. Its because she, you know,
I guess she doesn’t really feel like she deserves, somebody great. And she does that’s what I was trying to tell her. It’s like, you know, you need to get away from like dating those
Like the guys, I’m not really sure if they they live together. I know at some point. I don’t know the whole story but I know that he is like a his mama does everything for him And his mom doesn’t like Stephanie. Of course, you know, my mom didn’t either. But uh, so he broke up with her. I think they broke up a couple times because his mom like just they don’t get along. But uh,
I don’t know. I’m not going to go off about that. I was just thinking that I was not the only person who stayed up all night but Like I’m on night shift sleeping schedule. I guess I’m still kind of reeling from the lack of kratom too I felt really real bad. Like withdrawaly earlier and it’s been um,
About a week and a half, I guess, you know, but I was taking a lot of it. It’s just crazy. It’s like I need to go to sleep. Like I’ve only rested I barely rested at all this weekend.
But I have been really productive. I mean, I did those 2, art things, I kind of threw them together. In an hour, you know, a piece, it’s like a couple of hours and then I’ve
Put the weight bench together and played some, uh, video games.
But I just can’t get into video games. Like, I used to
I worked on music too. I was kind of hoping I could go back to sleep.
You know for a few hours and then wake up and work on stuff. Again I have to do my chores. Probably going to wait to do that like 2 or 3 a.m.
But, uh, I don’t know.
I guess, uh, let’s just really hard for me to
Exist in the moment, you know, I’m just like
I’m still really dragged down and you know, weighed down by regrets and everything. I have a lot. Yeah, I mean, those were like the big things but, uh, like college and all that, but like, Honda plant, the fact that I even left the job that I’m at. Now, the first time, you know, I shouldn’t have, like, I had a really good job. The place I worked at, for the last time I worked there was really, really easy.
And right now, it’s really really hard. And
You know, I’m sick of all my songs. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but it’s like, I just don’t
I’ll go out there and I’ll play them and it’s like dang you know, some of these songs were Fucking 20 years old, like Devil Woman? And I’m really sick of it. You know, a lot most of those songs, even the ones I got out of the Honda plant 3 years ago, were I’m sick of those too. And it’s like, you know, how like How important even is any of this shit, you know? But if I did blow my fucking brains out what then what, you know, like,
Like what happens next, you know? Oh, I go somewhere better or would I get something better or something worse? Or what? About not get anything.
I don’t. I don’t really know.
I don’t know, I guess today’s just 1 of those days I am Experiencing burnout on a level where I just you know I get sick of being here on planet Earth especially the way things have gone the last You know, decade, it’s just like dang. And I’m so screwed up, you know, from like the stuff that’s already happened. That I can’t, like, I just can’t get past a lot of stuff.
And, uh, I don’t really have the will to reach out and like You know, that’s just I have this blog. It’s like hey, you know,
But that’s kind of the thing if something did like, you know, if I did just finally lose it and
If I did just finally, you know, lose it or something, of course, you know, a couple of years ago, I was going to drown myself in the ocean but you know people would find this blog before I do anything like that, I’m putting it back up on my Facebook or Instagram. That way people can read and be like, oh gosh, that’s all he fucking talked about. So yeah. You know, so it’s like, well, yeah, they were right there. It’s, you know. All the stuff was there. Yeah, he really was. That miserable and then he goes into extensive detail about it sometimes and I wish it was different. I wish I didn’t feel like this.
But,
Uh, I just feel like a waste You know, I feel like a horrible dad, I never see the kids. I make the most of it when I do and I talk to them every day. But You know, that’s that’s a big part of it. Really? I feel so empty.
That’s a big reason why I had I mean, that’s why I drank and that’s why I had such a bad problem with alcohol and Kratom, and All that. Crap, because It took the edge off everything me feeling like You know, pointless and that I mean, just I just don’t know how.
It’s always going to be, you know, if it’s always going to be enough.
You know, like,
I just don’t know.
It’s really stupid. I wish I could just go to sleep. I mean that would help.
Maybe I should try to get a shower. I haven’t had a shower since yesterday. Something I can’t remember. I can’t remember when.
10:17 PM
Oh, second time staying up.
Second time stamp. Yo, I don’t know. Usually I’m really happy uh, on night shift, on the night shift, sleeping schedule because I love staying up all night. I guess I’m just having 1 of those days. I don’t know.
Obviously, I would prefer, you know, my psychological well-being to improve, is that the right way to even say that?
Uh,
I’m trying to think there’s a totally better way to say that though. Um,
Yeah, I just think it’s a few factors I guess it’s just
You know, things got so bad that they did the last 2 years. I was married that that became my default mode was just kill yourself. You know? It made me like not want to live. It was so bad. And, uh, I don’t know.
It could have went the other way, like it was just so crazy how out of control and stupid. It got with her and You know I never called the cops on her. I never fucking I could have. She used to sit out in her van and drink
You know, she used to go on Facebook and say the craziest fucking things, and I think it got, she actually the dean at her College had actually gotten on to her about that. I mean things and she said some really like really bad things. To my uh, 1 of my, you know, 1 of my friends, the 1 I just blocked actually. I mean For whatever’s that was worth, you know, it could have, It could have went Things could have went a totally different route.
You know, she about Hung herself with her own stupid bullshit but I wouldn’t let that happen. I mean, it’s just a whole bunch of stuff that nobody fucking like, you know, I’m talking about my dad and my sister and the way they treated me it’s like they had no idea what the fuck I was dealing with
And but at the same time, like fuck them.
You know, because that my dad was just manipulating me, he didn’t give a shit about anything about me, he was just wanting to keep doing his business. And I was the only person, you know, stupid enough to fucking That was able to, you know, help him and I was miserable. It was horrible. We eventually bought a house up there but I was living in Birmingham when it first started and I was driving, you know.
Hour and a half hour and 45 minutes 1 way. I was driving you know like 3 hours a day and I was so exhausted I would go out and work and you know fucking 12 15 hours a day every day. And then come home and uh, my ex wife would be drunk and, you know,
That’s when she was in grad school. And Never really thought about it being a problem though. I just thought she’d just like I just didn’t think about her having a drinking problem back. Then, then it, you know, it’s
And it’s like, you know, like I remember after we divorced, she told me she never really loved me.
And she would get drunk and talk a bunch of shit to like, My friend’s wives and 1 of my cousins that used to hang out, I guess he’s 1 of those people that everyone opens up to and she Said a lot of stuff, you know, basically she just wanted kids out of me. It was uh oh my God. And it’s like, you know, What is wrong with me? Like why me you know like why did I get this crap?
My God.
Because I did, you know, I thought she was like my best friend in the whole universe. For 18 years, I thought, you know, I thought she was the 1
Hello. Jesus, fucking Christ But yeah, like uh, you know,
Something always kind of felt off about it. So,
Basically, the long story short, I mean, it’s just all that crap. Just made me feel just makes me feel like, even more worthless. Like, what the hell? You know what? Really was my purpose. Anyways,
I don’t know.
Something, I’ve Really not ever still. Haven’t been able to get past.
I hate the way I look. I hate the fact that, you know, I’m almost 50 and I haven’t done. I’m like, I’m I’m basically a fucking loser, you know? I’m just, I work all the time. I’m tired, I don’t do anything cool anymore. Except with the kids, but I only see the kids, you know, a few days a month.
And I just feel like a total shit hole about all that.
And I’m so crazy that, you know,
And thrown off center so easily by the fucking especially by like crazy girls. And, you know, just the whole thing with Brittany that just that, you know, Like what the fuck? And then of course now I’m all the way up here and I’ve been pretty good about hiding and staying away from ladies, but, uh, I don’t know. I’m just not.
Today, I’m just having a really hard time, uh,
You know. Getting.
I don’t know, I feel really weird talking about this shit up here in my room because I know people can probably hear me outside of my room. But it helps I guess to get it out. I just I’m just having a rough day, I don’t know. It sucks.
I hope things get better.
But I didn’t think I would live this long. I figured I’d be dead. Fucking 5 years ago, you know, that’s how I felt 5 years ago. I was like, yep. I was a living in The Farmhouse and everything was just falling apart. You know, the ceiling caved in on me a few times like in places in different places is It was a pretty bad.
I guess because I’d gotten so down, you know, to a point like back, you know, after the divorce and after My ex fiance and everything, it’s it is, it’s still, it’s just really hard for me to care about myself. And like to find the will to motivate myself to like, how I feel right now. It’s like, you know, I should just get up and get a shower. And I should be happy because I’m not at work. It’s Sunday. You know? It’s still it’s like 10. Almost 10:30 at night. But this is like my 10:30 a.m. on a Sunday. You know, if I was on a regular, you know, day shift schedule,
I just bought some new strings, uh, to put on my guitar for C standard tune on my electric. You know, like I should be happy here. I don’t know why.
I don’t know why I have to deal with, like, stupid shit like that. It doesn’t. Help, you know, it’s like it just gets in the way of me doing stuff.
Cuz you think, you know I could just practice my shit and it yeah these are the same old songs. I’ve had it with, you know, I’ll add a new 1, I’ll come up with a new song about every, you know, a good 1 like a really good new song about every 2 or 3 months. You know, I’ll get i’ll get 3 or 4 songs a year, you know, really good ones.
That I can perform, you know, that’s not for like the co-worker album or the concept album. I come up with fucking bullshit stupid songs all the time.
Um, but uh,
Do you think I just
I could just, you know, live and be happy. I used to, you know,
I feel a little better now talking about it, you know, it’s just dang.
I guess I do like I really do, wish I had a girlfriend. That’s the 1 thing that like that chick being in my brains it’s like you know,
I would totally let her have me but I don’t really know what that’s about honestly?
You know, it’d be nice and it would be even better. If uh, you know, I actually it wouldn’t be a bunch of stupid weird shit. You know, or crazy fucking Just, you know, I just, I don’t want anothervdumpster fire of a fucking relationship and that’s all I’ve ever had. I have never had a healthy.
Uh, you know, like a good Healthy relationship. I’ve always had You know, it’s all like my ex-wife it was so 1-sided. Of, and I don’t understand. You know.
Oh my God. Like I don’t even know where to start and it was just after that, it was just me trying to You know, fill the void. I was so.
Empty.
After all, that ended, but it was like
It was that bad though cuz you know there were quite a few people who congratulated me on the divorce they’re like, dude, you’re free now because everybody knew how it was But, you know, everybody also like
Knew how much I loved her, too?
You know. Like I loved her more than anything and
It’s just 1 of those things in a human life. You know, you only get so much crap and that was a big,
It’s a really, really big thing that I still have not gotten past hell. Even that picture I drew with markers. Probably, when was that was like, 3:00 a.m. this morning 3 or 4 a.m. The head of the woman face. Looks like my ex-wife, you know, and and that was not on purpose. It was after I got finished with it and I hung it up, I was like, oh damn, that looks just like Joan. Hahaha
Yeah.
But uh, shit, you know,
I guess uh also I was just feel like I need to get my stuff recorded. And put out like, get it up on, you know.
Oh, you know all the platforms where people Stream, it and stuff and then
You know, maybe everything will get better and if it doesn’t, you know, if at least I’ve got all my stuff out there and then, you know, I can
I really can’t imagine blowing my brains out, but then I don’t really want to
I don’t know.
But I really do get sick of it.
And nobody understands. And I don’t expect, I, I stopped expecting anybody to understand anything about me. I don’t always understand it either.
But that’s uh that’s planet Earth. You know? Nobody knows why we’re here and nobody knows where we came from. Nobody really knows shit. They just
Exist. You know, I mean I guess that’s
Pretty much sums it up anyways, right?
Yeah. Gosh, though. I just
I guess I just want to, you know, either. Feel better. And be happy with my life and embrace everything again and be like Yay you know I’m alive. Or just let me fucking die. You know. Jesus Christ like stop fucking
Torturing my stupid Brains. It’s really uh, It’s a miserable existence, it really is for me, you know, most of the time. The only time I’m really happy, you know, for real is when I’m with the kids.
I guess that’s just it, you know,
Thank you, please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 