6:02 PM
Okay, well, I am home.
I’m laying in the bed, and I have had a really sad. Stupid day.
I was just thinking about, you know, everything in my life and
I am just all alone all the time. Yeah. It’s like dang, I really am. Even when I’m around people, I’m just I’m not, you know what I mean? It’s like, The only thing I care about. For real, is the kids. And that’s the only thing I genuinely care about. I don’t care about myself like a normal person. And that’s Really funny that’s not something too many people can relate to. Because most people will care about themselves, you know, like a lot and I don’t, I’m just like well, you know,
Things get any worse, I’ll probably commit suicide, but I hope that things, you know, I’m kind of holding out a little bit.
For things to get better. But I just don’t, I can’t imagine anything happening like realistically. That, you know, I’m just It’s like time, goes by so fast. Like I’ve lived here almost 2 years and it’s It’s just really absurd. To me and I guess over the weekend that’s kind of the thing uh because I got the kids and we had fun and all but I just got I was so tired. And I didn’t really. I wasn’t very engaging at all, but my daughter all of a sudden, like I was just kind of laying here. I think it was about 9, or 10:00 at night, Saturday night. And she was like, Hey, we got to get up really early because, you know, I’m going to go spend the day with my boyfriend tomorrow. Like she Made us get up at 8:00 a.m. yesterday morning. And I thought, well, you know, I haven’t seen you all in a month.
You know, and it’s just
You see your boyfriend all the time? And I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get them again. It just it just kind of made me realize you know I’m really just a background character in their lives now and it used to not be the case. I used to get them every single weekend. Uh, when I worked at Honda, I would get them every single weekend except maybe every other month I would take the weekend off my ex-wife and be like, hey, I want the kids this weekend, you know? But and sometimes I would actually when I was on day shift About once a week. I would get them for supper or something.
And you know, that was great. And then you know I had that nervous breakdown and All that shit happened and I went completely crazy and, you know, thanks I guess. And uh, it’s just slowly seems like I’ve kind of drifted away. And, and and it’s also they’re getting older and they have their own lives and, you know, my son, he likes to stay up all night playing.
Games and shit with his friends, he plays, uh, Counter Strike and Fortnite, and Fucking Napoleon. Total War. And all the other stuff, I think there’s a bunch of other games on Roblox, he plays. And then my daughter, you know, she has her kitty cats and her boyfriend.
And uh, I’m just always all by myself. Which is another reason why it’s like, it’s kind of good that I have roommates though because I don’t need to be completely alone. But I, I mean, I still feel like I am anyways, but it’s not as bad as the farmhouse. Yeah, Uh, I got really, really detached like from
Yeah, reality I say really detached. From reality. I don’t I don’t like how that sounds but still that’s what came out. And uh, you know, I have co-workers and stuff, that’s good. But I don’t really relate to any of them but it’s still, It kind of gives me a little bit of a
Tether. Yeah to, you know, the real world or whatever. Whatever this. That means, I guess that’s kind of the thing, too. It’s like, you know, is it?
I remember the Star Trek episode, the inner light and I’ve always Really liked that episode, that’s my favorite Star Trek episode actually the Next Generation. Yeah, it’s the Next Generation. And uh,
I don’t know like I’m half expecting to just wake up 1 day and be like where I am really, you know, supposed to be at like not that I’m like going to wake up on a Starship as a captain or anything. But I have I don’t know. I’ve always just haven’t felt like I’ve I’ve never really felt like part of this world. You know, if that makes sense, I’ve always just kind of been on the outside and circumstances and everything kind of Facilitated that perspective. Anyways, like I just, I really had a really isolated sheltered upbringing. On 1 hand, you know, but on the other it’s just it’s like, damn, I just don’t really Relate to anybody, you know, it’s, I have a really hard time making social connections.
But,
You know, I just don’t have the same general interests as most people either. But why, you know, I don’t know. It’s it’s uh I don’t have a lot of common. A lot of stuff in common with, uh, most people. Or if I do have stuff in common with them, the my motivations or something for doing it is different. Yeah, and I mean, I don’t really know where to start, but You know, this is kind of where I’ve ended up though. It’s not like it’s like, well,
I’m just, by Myself all the time. You know, all of the time. I’m always alone. And on 1 hand, I guess, I like to use the like to compare Got 2 things, you know, using my hands but uh Haha
It’s nice sometimes like it really is this is peaceful. It’s like gosh cuz people do stress me the fuck out. Especially like drama and all that stuff. And I just can’t I’ve just had enough of it. It’s kind of the thing about Stephanie, you know, it’s like, I’m sorry I really am. Uh, I just went ahead and blocked her on Facebook, like blocked her on messenger. I figured, well, she’s probably going to do the same thing to me, so whatever and just leave it that way.
Um, what was the other hand, though? It was on the other hand of that.
Uh, Shit, I’m so tired.
But yeah, on the other hand it’s just I’m all by myself all the time and it used to be that you know, it wasn’t like that when I had the kids but I just feel like I’ve lost touch with a lot of it. Because we don’t, I don’t see them. Like, I used to, I message them every day just about almost every day, but it’s just me telling them how much I love them and and sending them hug Mash hug Emojis with explosions and stuff. It’s like, Yeah.
But uh, you know, I just don’t Care about myself, you know anybody else probably would be like well that just means you’re You know, you got the freedom to do whatever and I do. And that’s what’s so silly and kind of stupid. It is totally stupid. It’s like
Yeah.
I just don’t.
I don’t know and I’m tired. And this job is just so much sometimes. Like, today was just really, really dumb.
Um it seems like we had a lot of call-ins. I mean, we did it’s a Monday and I almost did I thought about it really hard, but it’s like, I can, you know, I have to go to work. I can’t miss the money. And that’s the only other thing too about this job is I don’t want to make any less money than I’m making now. But it is, sometimes it’s really really hard last week was really really, really hard. And uh, I’m not. I’m not happy at all. I’m Miserable as fuck. Yeah, I guess that’s kind of the thing, you know, it’s uh
It’s like, damn.
I feel like all I ever do is complain like what are some good things I have? You know, like I have food, I just ate
I actually really like bland food because it’s, uh, I’ve eaten enough of everything anyways. Anything I’ve ever wanted to eat or get, you know or anything like that. I have done. Uh, something I like to lot, I would consume it in excess until I was sick of it, like Ice cream and I don’t hardly ever eat ice cream anymore because I’ve eaten so much of it like I don’t like there’s a reason I don’t have a gallbladder anymore. You know, I would take uh, cupcakes.
And then just dump ice cream all over it. And then, um, Peanut butter, chocolate cupcakes. Oh my God. And uh, ice cream all over. And then I would put I would melt peanut butter and pour that all over the the ice cream and the cupcakes and I would do the same thing with apple pies. Like get 1 of those apple pies and cook it and then put Half a gallon of ice cream, eat that all that together.
I did that a lot, you know, and then it’s like well here I am dealing with acid reflux, you know like what the fuck. Is wrong with me. You know I’m just a fucking crazy person.
I sang at work a little bit though and my voice is getting. I mean it’s helping a lot not eating crap all the time. I mean that’s kind of the thing. That was my point though. It’s like I’ve eaten All the Mexican food. All the, you know, Exotic. You know, any other kind of food I’ve had, that was good, you know?
I’m not missing out on anything. That’s my point. You know, I’ve had it all.
It sucks though, like being a dad. And That’s the only thing I cared about I say cared in past tense. I mean it’s just I don’t really know how to feel right now about anything. But looks like it just hit me. Over the weekend. It’s like, damn. I am just a background character in my kids’ lives, like
I never thought it would end up like that it makes me want to die really bad.
I don’t believe.
I don’t really know what else to say about that, you know I’m just rambling. Now at this point, I guess I can edit it and post it and probably fall asleep.
Yeah, but I I would rather things get better.
So you know, something really cool and awesome happening to me. That would be great. You know, instead of me just
Being like, yeah, dang. I really am just not an active part of my kids’ lives anymore, and it makes me want to blow my brains out
Like real bad like I wish,
I don’t get me started on like, you know.
Yeah, don’t get started on a rant. I got to edit this and then
I don’t need any more to edit. Haha, ha ha God. I’m so sad. Thank you, please.
