6:10 AM
Yeah. Well I’m just waiting for my clothes to dry. It’s got about 30 minutes left.
Just kind of thinking about stuff, it’s like dang, you know,
Like my life.
Talking about my sister and all that stuff and my parents.
And it’s like, dang.
I guess it’s people. I thought would be in my life forever. But they’re not.
Most of the time, I’m all by myself. So when I talk about people, it’s like well this is my experience with other human beings. You know, it’s like the bulk of it is. I miss my kids. You know, my happiest memories and all that and uh, The 6 women I have loved, my ex-wife. Brittany, you know, even though that was not actualized in the physical plane, so I can’t count her my Last Girlfriend
Stephanie was number 6
What? Uh, my job co-worker stuff. My roommates, um, I’ve seen quite a few people. Come and go. I guess, let’s see how many people have. How many roommates? I don’t have roommates for?
23 years or something. And then I’ve had uh,
I think 7. Yeah. Uh,
Have come and gone and then, You know, I have 3 right now.
Yeah.
I wonder how many people have come in and out of this house. I think a lot I was asking the boss lady roommate, 1 day
And she was just like, I don’t know a lot, you know, I don’t think she’s kept up with it so much.
I wish I had another day off.
I did my chores, most of my chores I did. 3 fifths or so of my Chores
And uh,
Really tired. I just ate this big 1 of those rice and chicken bakes. The Grandma’s recipe, isn’t that funny? Oh yeah. That was just thinking, it’s like, you know, I haven’t really had a lot of new great experiences with people too, uh, You know, when I talk about stuff it’s just the same crap over and over, you know it’s it’s really funny but that’s
It’s not funny. It’s kind of stupid. It is stupid. Yeah, I think about that. It’s like, you know, I’ve talked about the same crap over and over a lot. It’s the same stuff and I’ve talked all about it from different angles, but it’s like, well, that was the biggest thing.
It’s kind of funny living on a planet with, uh, With billions and billions of other people. Apparently, I mean supposedly right or something? I don’t know.
Yeah.
But I do, I blame myself a lot too because You know, about everything that went wrong with all the people supposedly were like my you know, My people. But it kind of also made me wonder just how much really were they? My people like my dad just used me cuz the only other people that could ever work for him. Long term was me and my step cousin and there’s something wrong with me anyways, like Socially, you know, I’m just not That’s part of like my stupid upbringing. It was, I had a very isolated. Super like overprotective. It’s like My mom was just so, um,
Yeah, she just sheltered the shit out of me. Especially that’s 1 thing though, my sister, because I did check out that didn’t help that isolated me even more. I’ve always been like this though. Uh, that’s why it was such a big deal. When I met my ex-wife and fell in love, because I wanted to love 1 woman forever and that was it. I didn’t want to go do a bunch of crap.
You know.
And I thought that was, you know, that was it. That’s the 1, that was such a huge thing because it was like, what the fuck you, what do you mean like a divorce? Like I don’t understand. You know, I don’t understand a lot of stuff about Human beings. And so that’s part of like, that’s the part that I blame myself. It’s like, maybe I’m just, you know, that fucking that too fucking much. I’m just too Goddamn much for like regular people. It’s uh,
Makes me feel bad. Makes me feel horrible to think about it like that, too. It’s like, damn, I’m Maybe, I really do suck that much. That’s why I tried to commit suicide.
You know, it’s like, yo, I’m just fucking, you know, I was too stupid to really understand anything. You know, until it was too late. And then I was like, well, damn now I’m stuck. And I’m just
Now, I’m just tired as fucking hell all the time. And then I’ve, you know, I’ve been having this Uh, this acid reflux shit, that’s probably, it’s been building up though for a long, long time. I remember, when I had my gallbladder taken out, In the early. What in 2014? Yeah, they, I did a bunch of, like, they did tests, you know, the endoscopy and all that. And that was 1 of the things. The doctor was like, you have acid reflux, really bad. It’s, you know, concerned him. That was 12 years ago, you know? Just eating garbage all the time.
I’ve done pretty good this weekend, but, uh, I don’t know. I’m just
It’s hard for me to care about myself like that, like to maintenance to maintain like a anything that’s healthy for myself. Physically. It’s like I just don’t I get by and do what I want to do but it does affect my singing voice. It’s been affecting it a lot. The last uh, Year or so. I remember reading some posts from last year about this time last year is when it really started. Getting uh, Getting worse. And it was just a lot of its from the my job, the stress and all the caffeine I drink. I mean, I just pound caffeine all the time. And I’m totally unhinged like, especially on that 1 really shitty process.
I don’t know. I thought about actually just calling in tonight. I don’t know. I get really.
Tired of it, you know? But I don’t I don’t know where else I could work and make Anywhere. Close to what I’m making now an hour. It’s insane.
Like this weekend, I did a lot of stuff. I’ve had a really productive a good weekend but I didn’t rest enough.
And it’s hard for me to do that because when I have time off I want to do things that I haven’t gotten to do you know during the week because I’m so fuckin tired when I get home. And it’s like that for everybody, everybody’s like that, this guy that uh he got fired not that long ago. Right after his birthday actually um but that’s what me and him were talking about. He’s like, and he had been working there for a few years and he’s just like I don’t see how Anybody has any energy to do anything because I go to the gym a lot of times after work or I work out after work and he just couldn’t understand how I had the energy to do that and it’s like, you know, I make myself and it hurts and it sucks but I do it anyways And I haven’t worked out this weekend. I’ve done some walking you know, a little bit of walking but, uh,
That’s probably what I ought to be doing now. Yeah, but Almost all of my clothes are dirty. And they’re in the dryer right now. The ones that I’m going to use probably for the next month. Still haven’t washed my work clothes. I have been wearing the same work clothes every day for 2 months.
And a half. Yeah, it was right after The Shutdown. So uh,
My gosh.
And my coworkers are you know I don’t know what it is but I just don’t like the team. I’m on. I feel uh Really out of place with them. And I don’t think any of them like me at all. I’ve heard some really crazy shit come out of some of them’s, The 1 only 1 that I really actually like but I’ve heard some really mean stuff come out of his mouth at me before and I’m like damn I mean I know I get it.
Every day all day long and everybody does though everybody gets sick of each other every fucking day all day long, all the time over and over and over and over and over doing these mindless fucked up processes. This is and
It just gets so old, it is horrible. Sometimes I just don’t want to deal with it.
The only thing that keeps anybody there long term is the money. It’s really crazy.
And there’s no other place around in this state, that I can think of who would pay you like A top out at almost $40 an hour for entry-level Factory job. It’s uh, it’s ridiculous.
But everybody’s just tired and crazy. That’s 1 reason why. Like I talked about that dude that I don’t really we don’t get along. I don’t take it that seriously because a lot of it is just a job. And, You know.
You get 2 people in the same place who don’t have anything like in common or are not alike at all and we’re opposite in a lot of ways. Um, But uh, we both have really big personalities and that is
Like just, you know, it just builds up and builds up and it sucks.
But I’m also really big, and loud and annoying. And like I said, I have been wearing the same work uniform for 2 and a half months and I can’t imagine Because nobody else is that fucking is like that and that’s how I was at Honda too. It was worse at Honda because my uniform got stuffed in a locker at the end of the day.
And sometimes I would wear the same uniform like, Like a shirt, my undershirt because we had it was different. The uniforms were different, you know? Uh,
It was just bad. I’m really awful. Yeah.
Pretty fucking awful. And I think about that when I think about my family too, it’s like, well, they were Pretty fucking ignorant. And always treated me. Like I was some kind of fuck up even when I was a little kid. You know, like before I got into, you know, Uh
Before I got older and got into a crazy music that nobody understood for some reason. That was just so weird that I liked Slayer and Metallica and shit, and 9 inch nails, and You know, all that shit that it’s just, you know,
And that I had long hair and that I was an outspoken atheist. I was as when I was a teenager and that a lot of people
Especially my family, you know. They just thought I was a fucking loser. And that’s really it wasn’t. Like they weren’t scared of me or anything? Or I didn’t. Weirded them out? They just thought I was fucking retarded.
That’s how they’ve all treated me, mit’s really stupid.
But I care about them, you know, it’s like that was like, my whole universe was my family, mostly my dad’s side because that’s the Place that I grew up in and I was, uh, I spent a lot of time with my mom’s side like the cousins and stuff when I was a little kid up until I got to be a teenager really. And uh I don’t know. I just kind of grew apart from them until I moved
6:26 AM
To Jacksonville. They were all going to college in Jacksonville. A lot of them were and I reconnected with a lot of my cousins.
Then but I hadn’t, you know, there were some of them I had not seen in a decade, you know?
But yeah, it’s just
Always feel kind of like the odd person out. With my mom’s side of the family cousins.
But I got along with them a lot better. I have a lot more in common with them. But then on Dad’s side, you know I just didn’t have any it wasn’t anything. You know, I was just weird.
I’m not really sure what all. You know, people just make up stuff in their head.
I remember 1 of my cousins on my mom’s side of none of them knew what to think about me either and then when he got to know me he was like dang. He’s actually a really, really great person. He told me that. Haha I don’t know, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is about me here, but uh, some people just
I don’t know.
I don’t know what it is. It makes me feel weird and makes me not want to be around anybody ever.
I really like to keep to myself too, and And stuff that makes me.
Uh, I always have though. That’s yeah. I’m just thinking. It’s like
And, you know, my ex-wife and I we were just so energetically incompatible.
She didn’t like to go do things like I do and You know, I like being by myself but I like to do stuff. But uh, Yeah. Gosh, just everything life is just so fucking. I don’t know. That’s just just been my life. Just go around. So, I was born in 1980 and grew up in the 80s and Became a teenager in the 90s and a young adult in the 2000s and even more and so on and so forth. You know? And it’s like well this is just this is what
This is what it’s been like and I talk all about it in this blog over and over and over and over. But yeah, for the last 8 years, really since the divorce I’ve just been kind of in limbo. I feel like especially uh the last few years since
I moved up here. Uh, Since I left the Honda plant. Yeah, it’s just been
I haven’t really had a set direction or anything. That’s why I ended up here. It’s not a bad. It’s not a bad thing. It’s I’m way further away than, you know, from my kids than I want to be. But other than that, my life is pretty fucking great. Yeah, it really is. That’s what I was thinking about yesterday. I was driving, to Publix to get food and, you know, it’s the weather. It’s early fall. It wasn’t hot, it was nice and cool. And I was like, wow! I’m so happy I miss my kids, but other than that, I’m really, really happy.
And then today, you know, it’s like happy but it’s also mixed with the dread of having to go back to work tomorrow and another week of it and then this weekend is, uh, Rotation weekend. So it’s like back to days and it’s going to suck really, really bad. And it gets old and I quit taking drugs. Like I you know, like I quit taking drugs and 1 of my friends uh who also I’m not going to name him but he’s like, you know, I talk to him all the time.
Oh he was talking about, you know, because then they made Kratom illegal in Tennessee 3 months ago and he was like, man, I sure do miss Kratom. He’s been dealing with the same thing. Uh, probably for about the same amount of time. And he’s still having withdrawal symptoms from. A yup.
And uh, He’s like, yeah, I know. It’s a total drop in my energy levels and all that stuff. I was like, oh yeah, that’s yeah, it sucks. I miss it a lot actually. I probably out of all the crap that I’ve ever done. Overall. That’s been my favorite thing.
And I can go to Georgia and get it. I’m just not going to do that. I’m not going to Georgia. To get Freedom ever again because you know, I’ll get, uh, haha picked it up as Freedom. That’s, that’s kind of funny. I’m going to have to edit that In. Yeah.
Kato.
I don’t do this to me. Thank you. And then it took the word away when I said that. Yeah, I create them. Kratom um, Thank you, Jesus.
I tripped all over that. Last 1 and it, put it the correct way.
Oh no.
And it sucks though because like I say I miss my mom, but you know, when I was living with her I tried to take her on adventures with us. I wanted to, I wanted mom to be part of all of it. I tried so hard and we went to Rome, 1 time, and we did all kind of fun stuff and got lottery tickets and You know, my mom really, you know, You would think in theory that Hanging out and spending time with the kids and being included and stuff and not just included, but like, you know,
Just part of the adventure and uh, it was okay until we got back and then she started being really mean to my daughter. Over a pack of gum at the grocery store and it was weird. But like she was being really super overly. Nice to my son.
And uh,
She made my daughter cry. Like, like, like ugly cry like really, really hard. Uh after she got out of the car cuz we were going to go do some more stuff. Um and my mom got out of the car and I was like I’ll see y’all later, you know, and my daughter just looked at me and I looked at her and she just burst into tears like as hard as I’ve ever seen her cry in my life. And I thought, I can’t take my mom on any more adventures. And another time, I think the A week or so. Before that we had went to the lake and we were swimming, you know? And my mom was just hanging out uh, You know, on the shore of the lake in a chair wearing like, you know, regular clothes like
Blue jeans, and a, and a shirt and all the stuff and uh, she just gets up. You know, we’re out, we’ve been out in the lake for about 20 minutes or something. And, uh, She just gets up and goes and gets in the fucking water. With her clothes on, with all her clothes on, And she’s just, you know, had this like It’s like it was so weird. I don’t even know how to explain how weird that was.
It was so weird. And uh, you know, just 1 time, she took them. Uh, it was just her and she took my daughter and my nieces out for tennis. And she had, she was just, she had been so mean to them. She was so mean to my daughter all the time and uh, you know, I’m just like, that’s why I didn’t really know what to do with my mom. After things got really bad and she kept like, when she flooded the bathroom at the apartment and they upped the rent.
Like 250 dollars a month and, uh, that was right after I left the Honda plant. And I wasn’t making enough money to really do anything.
That’s all, you know, I feel really bad that uh
You know what happened to my mom and how and I’ve talked all about this in this blog, you know, she She died at my sisters and she had starved herself to death and I didn’t understand. It’s like what the hell?
Life is just, you know, Fucking like, Crazy. My family is crazy.
I mean, that’s so.
You know, and when my mom after her and dad got divorced, she was going to give birth to this child. That was going to. Heal, the world, you know. And she was gonna Uh, her name was going to be Marcia, Madeline Moore. So her initials would be MMM.
She said it like, mmm!
Yeah, I just like that and it’s like that was my mom growing up. You know, I had a
Schizophrenic mom.
You know, and then a fucking
Number 1 top dick stupid asshole bastard, dad, in the whole universe. And he would be gone to Thailand for 6 months or Korea for 3 or 4 months or Utah. Or doing something, you know, just it was like he was never there. And then when he was there he was just the biggest dickhead asshole in the fucking world. And he didn’t understand nothing because he was never around. So he never really got to, you know? Understand like, who I was as a person and he just put all this bullshit on to me, expectations That there was wasn’t even realistic for me to even attempt to live up to, because I really just wanted to do music and art.
I guess that all ties into being how, you know, my family all saw me is just this fucking loser. Is weird. And they’re just a bunch of stuck up fucking Oh my God, they are
It’s like no wonder I’m so like I turned out like this. Yeah. No wonder I’m like this. Jesus Christ.
Oh God.
But I miss my kids and
You know, I really do wish that I had a lady and
I wish somehow.
Sure did like Brittany the most I know, and I still talk about her this girl who did. A bunch of really mean, crazy things to me and drove me so crazy that I had a nervous breakdown and You know. Still the fact that I still would just be like, you know, hey Brittany, I love you. You know what I mean? Like, it’s just
What a thing. Yeah. What a fucking
What a long-winded post, I guess, right? Haha Well, maybe my clothes are done drying. Now I haven’t heard the little beeper. Go off.
But um, yeah.
And then I washed all this stuff that was in the laundry thing for my boss lady roommate. I’m going to put those in the dryer for For her. Oh if I was going to stay up longer or if I would have thought to do that earlier, I would have folded all of that stuff too and put it away which I’ve done a bunch.
But um,
Yeah, I don’t know. That’s 1 of the reasons why I talk about a lot of the same things over and over, and over, though, from different angles, sometimes. And then sometimes, I just forget that I’ve talked all about that and then, it’s like, oh yeah. I’ve already talked all about that. But, uh,
I haven’t had a lot of like, Really new. Um, what am I saying? I guess I It’s like I want to live more and do more stuff and have more like great experiences and talk awesome things about new people exciting, you know, people and stuff. But uh,
You know, on the other hand, I’m I’m also just kind of like
Don’t really want to get out and deal with the drama of it and uh but then I feel like maybe I’m just being a fucking idiot.
Too.
No, I just I get really. Antisocial, I have really bad, social anxiety sometimes. And I love people though. I really do. You know, when I get out and I’m like if I get used to it a little bit like uh when I was playing those Open Mic nights, I got used to it and I was like, hey, this is fun and then
6:40 AM
What happened? Oh God, this is going to, this is turning such a long post. But, um, yeah, I lost access to my storage unit for a couple months and I got a little bit out of practice, but Uh, I just got to where it wasn’t, you know, was getting too hard to come back up here.
Once a week to do it and then they started doing it every other week and then they stopped doing it about the time I got Moved up here and got because of the place is just Is 5 minutes of the road
Couldn’t really get out and do it. Uh,
For about
4 or 5 months. And then about the time I got where I could do it again, they stopped doing it. And I didn’t really like the Voodoo Lounge, but that’s probably where I’ll go back. I don’t really know. Anything because I still don’t feel like I’m ready to get back out and I’ve been having problems with my voice and that’s really stupid and frustrating. And
Is it really 6:41? Yeah. Well, I’m going to just wrap this up because I’m going to have to edit it.
But yeah, you know, I guess my point all that is there’s A reason why I still just blabber about the same crap over and over.
But maybe I don’t do it as much as I think I do. I think I’m too hard on myself.
Yep, thank you, please.
