12:00 AM
Well, I did. I made so many posts. Yesterday.
And this morning yesterday, morning Sunday, gosh it’s uh, Technically Tuesday. Now But what happened?
They canceled production for tonight at work and I was laying here. In the bed and I thought gosh I just wish to have 1 more day off. I sure am Really sad and, uh,
Tired. And then I woke up I think it was around 4. I was like Ugh. I got to get around and get ready for work and I saw a text from 1 of my co-workers.
And he was like he was the half German guy. Yeah. And he was like, uh, are we working? We’re not working Tonight, right? And I’m like, Of course we’re working. It’s, you know it’s not a holiday. I don’t know why you would even ask me that, you know,
Uh, I thought that part though, the last part and I was just like, uh,
And then I thought, wait a minute. What if he knows something? I don’t and so I checked the app The work Communications app and sure enough.
It was a quality issue with some part. That. Oh yeah, it’s affected the supply chain. So um, tonight and to, yeah, night shift. And tomorrow day shift is canceled. And I thought, wow, Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And uh, I’m just gonna just, I just woke up like an hour ago, I got up earlier and went out and got more meat and cheese. And I got a bunch of cupcakes and I’ve eaten all of them.
You know, of course, already and I got another thing of, uh,
That chicken and rice. That I just eat 3 or 4 of them a week. I don’t know. 2 or 3. I, I
Probably 8.
No, I said I, I had probably eaten. 3 of them last week, at least. Yeah. They’re just really good and they’re super filling.
But I don’t know what I want to do. Do I want to just lay here like a lump Yes.
Yes, I do. I don’t want to do anything. I want to get out. I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to do anything. I was thinking about though, like
Like get in my posts and stuff yesterday. Talking about my sister, and my dad, and my mom and my ex-wife really though, like
It just makes me think about like the whole planet, though full of humans. And it’s uh it’s really silly to think about it to to take a step back and look at like human beings.
Fantastic. Incredible stories though, like The Narrative of like history and everything is.
Uh, pretty remarkable. Yeah, it’s like here’s this ball, you know, I guess so, and it’s spinning around another ball. That’s hot. And there’s these little, you know, peoples On it. And then they have arms and legs and they move around and they look at each other with eyeballs and they interact with language, and You know, they just make all kinds of
Stories, just everywhere, everybody every day, you know has, the whole day is a like a New bunch of Stories
And you have people like me I’m sure I’m not the only person like me right, well obviously I am, but similar I guess is a better way to put that who just
Exist and I just kind of watch it all and I make songs out of it. And I’m really selective that that’s kind of the thing I, realized after I made a post it was the last post I made.
Sunday nights post, I don’t remember what did I make like 4 posts yesterday or something? Sunday or some shit 3 and then 1 Monday morning.
But yeah, I just I can’t let everybody in my life. I don’t have the energy like to expend You know, socially but then, uh,
The last few years, my energy level just has not. It’s just dropped a lot.
Unless I take like a bunch of caffeine, that’s 1 of the thing about Kratom, it just kind of made me feel normal like a normal amount of energy at least what I thought was normal. I don’t know.
I’ll work out all the time. I’m in pretty good. Physical condition.
I think.
Oh at least as far as being able to work and do things goes but uh like right now I just don’t want to do shit.
I should be recording music or something. That’s what I want to be doing.
Oh, it’s just I don’t know how much longer I’m going to get to be here, you know, that’s kind of my point. It’s like well, I had a shit ton more energy than this at 1 time.
I don’t know, it’s really stupid.
People can be really, really selfish too. It’s uh it’s kind of a thing. It’s like
Why? I said people lie and they manipulate each other for selfish ends to get what they want. And then do they even know what they want and why they want it, you know? Well they want like
Like in my dad’s case you know he got to keep doing his business and making a bunch of money. And being like yeah I get to drive a brand new truck every 2 years and That’s more important. Apparently, you know, that was most important to him, but I didn’t see it that way because I was ignorant as fuck. Because I didn’t think like that. I thought my dad my poor dad, you know?
If I really had any,
Idea that, you know what motivated him I would have been like, fuck yourself. You know, you need to retire. Anyways, like a fucking do something else.
I don’t know but that’s kind of the other trade-off about my dad is he was a workaholic but I didn’t really think about that being a disorder. When I was younger, I just thought my dad worked his ass off all the fucking time. And
He always made me feel like crap about everything I did. So I never felt like I did anything good enough that made him proud, you know, I didn’t graduate high school. I didn’t do anything conventionally and I was just a big failure to him and that’s really messed up though. Because all I really, ever wanted to do was music and art You know what I’m doing now basically, uh, just working some crappy job, probably not as crappy though, back then I would have found something.
I don’t know nobody ever left me alone. It’s like I was this big stupid fuck up but nobody left me alone.
You know, it’s like dang.
Talk about, you know, stories. Yeah, The Narrative of The Human Experience. Well, this has been mine, I guess and that’s uh It’s a Mess though, this blog and my other blog too. But uh, here it is. You know, this is I guess documentation of mine. It’s out here in the in the internet, The Ether, or whatever.
And Brittany pecked on my other blog. Last night or it’s still, you know, however you wanted to find it.
Define. Yeah, it
I’m just like, you know,
It was my fault up until a point cuz I Ran Away. You say FAA, you know, but like I just couldn’t help running away but like, after a certain
Yeah, let’s just use the word Point again, huh? After a certain point again. Yeah, it was, uh, it was like, it was kind of on her.
And I don’t understand it. It’s like, ah, she’s really that fucking mean. Yeah, I think she really She is that mean that’s really mean. And, uh, you know, there’s a part of me that as much as I care about her, and All that stuff, you know, shit. It might have been worse. If we had gotten together, she might have fucking stabbed me or something.
Or wrecked the car and you know killed us both or some Insane shit. I just think all kind of crazy stuff people do. People do crazy fucking insane things to each other.
I don’t understand it. I guess I’m not motivated by like, Social things like a lot of people are and they are and that’s not something I really grasped 100% as important. Because it’s not important to me, you know, I don’t care what people think. I care about doing things. Making stuft. Helping other people. On you know in general? Yeah, some people I really do care what they think. Like uh, I care what my kids think, probably the most. And then after that, I care about what my ex-wife thinks to a degree. And then I have to care about what the boss lady roommate thinks. And, I care about what some but not all of my co-workers think
Yeah, I’m just not going to go off about all that because I was just start naming other people that I care what they think. And who I don’t care what they think. Haha
That’s a pretty normal deal, though. Yeah.
If that’s also another thing that it’s why I have struggled so much with a lot of stuff, like a sense of purpose. And you know, why am I still here and all this shit? Because it’s like, well,
I’m just alone all the time. I’m not even right now. I’ve got roommates and the downstairs roommate. He’s a really awesome guy and I can hear him like doing stuff. I think he’s playing a video game.
But I’m not like directly interacting with anyone except it’s just always me and the universe but it’s it’s always been like that except for the 18 years with my ex wife why I would like
To put up with being around people as much as I could because it stresses me out after a point, you know, I am really sensitive. And then it’s like, I would be by myself.
Uh, even back in the day when I was doing, like, when I had like a friend group you know, right out of high school. And they were all, uh, They would hang out, you know, on the weekends over at my friend, Justin and Ryan’s mom’s house. And you know, all are the Milk barn or something and that’s a whole lot I could say about, I mean, there’s just a whole bunch talk about a story, right? Yeah. And, uh, but I would just disappear for like sometimes a month. And, not Talk to anybody. I would just get so burned out on everybody’s crap.
One example of that?
I had bought this recording interface and uh I wasn’t like showing it Off or anything. But, you know, I worked my ass off even then. I worked 2 jobs when I was like 18 or 19 years old. You know, I worked for my uncle during the week and then on the weekends, most of the time I was working for my dad and so, you know, I had more money than most of my friends.
Anyways, uh, so I bought this recording interface
I had saved my money up. It was like a thousand bucks. And I got it. And I was so happy and I thought, well, I’m going to go show my friends, this recording interface and they got mad. They were jealous that I had this fucking thousand dollar recording thing and it was really a piece of shit though. Compared to, I mean it was a Fostex 8 track.
12:15 AM
Zip drive, you know, it used a Zip drive for storage and you could only really do like an hour of 8 track music with it. You know, I think it was a 256 megabyte.
Zip drive, you know, it was really it’s that technology isn’t even around anymore, you know, and uh,
I bought a guitar. This Schecter 7 string guitar and it was uh, Oh, it was so nice. It got stolen, but It was so beautiful sounding and I had this really nice blue Voodoo. Uh,
It was like a $1500 Half Stack. And the Schecter was about 800 bucks and this was, you know, in the late 90s, early 2000s and I saved my money up and bought this shit, you know, all my other friends would spend their money on drugs and crap. And I was actually worked my ass off and saved money up and bought these nice things. And, uh, they hated me for it. They were like jealous of of it, and it’s like, okay. Yeah.
You know and I got really sick of that shit actually. So then when I by the time I met my ex-wife, I didn’t really care about hanging out with them anymore, you know, but even when we played shows and stuff, I was the 1 who loaded everything up and unloaded everything. Everybody else just showed up and you know,
Partied and fucked off. And I was the 1 who did the work, and that’s how it’s always. That’s how it always was with the people around where I live. Like my friends and stuff doing the music and we had bands and shit, I was the 1 who did all the fucking work.
And, you know, it’s a no wonder none of that stuff went anywhere because of the people that I was working with, you know, and I think me and my friend, Justin are the only 2 people out of all those that still do music. Actively do music and he does stuff all the time.
And there have been a few times. When, uh, You know, I’ve gotten mixed up with other people who did the work like uh there was this 1 guy and he moved to LA And he’s actually had a pretty successful career and I’m really happy for him. But
He got into drugs real bad and that killed our band. And I was so pissed off at him because I spent about a year like twice, a week. Driving up here for practicing and all this stuff and He just, I don’t know what the fuck, but I had to really talk myself out of like almost murdering him. I mean, I wouldn’t have killed him, but I was going to beat the fucking piss out of him for it. It fucking made me so mad because he was so arrogant about it. But then, you know, Nobody’s perfect. Oh my gosh.
I also really, really liked the music and the, you know, it was, it was a lot of fun with some of the most fun I ever had playing music with anybody. But that’s just how it goes. I think after that, I decided I was just going to be a solo artist.
Yep, and I don’t know.
I don’t know what it is about a lot of musicians that they just think they’re the most important people in the whole universe.
I was just, you know, going back to
I don’t know, but they’re not. I mean, it’s like, yeah, music’s great, it’s really awesome. But, uh, You know.
That’s kind of the thing. I just never wanted to, you know, it’s just I saw people with their fucking egos like that and I just never I didn’t want to be like that at all. It’s like yeah, you guys can go. Fuck yourself, you know?
I mean.
Everybody’s special, yeah.
I’m losing my train of thought. What was I even? I thought I had some kind of like, big deep
You know, bunch of shit to talk about.
But yeah, it’s like, you know this is just
Just like 1 World, you know, and 1 bunch of like kinds of
Critters running around it and you know it’s it’s really funny too because human beings, you know, they live on a planet with other little animals Like dogs and cats and bears, and birds, and Fish and all the stuff that lives in the ocean, you know, stuff that lives on land in the ocean. You know. And uh, there’s like different kinds of places. There’s hot places and cold places and dry places and wet places.
You know, and there’s like all that in between, there’s a deserts.
And forests and jungles and
You know, moderate climate temperate climates. Stuff in the mountains and stuff. It’s just, you know, and all kinds of different life. There’s reptiles and amphibians and mammals.
And then there’s a supposedly billions and billions of years of Life on this planet. You have of things that happened to get to this point on this 1 Planet, this 1 little bitty planet. But it’s really not little, uh, but it is
But a lot of human history is just conflict. You know, it’s Man versus You know, nature or you know, itself is like Pretty Unforgiving and brutal. You know, like everything eats everything else. And you know, it lives for a certain amount of time and then it gets old and dies. That’s, that’s nature. Yeah. And human beings, you know, have grown like oh an awareness of self. You know, versus the environment and Over the thousands. Millions of years. You know, evolved from other things and in to what they are now.
It is a constant conflict. Yeah, from the, uh, from the environment they sprang from, But then also from within themselves with each other, And that’s a lot of human history is just people fucking with each other over and over and over.
Wars. And You know, increased communication and connectivity has made the world. Uh,
A lot smaller and in some ways, but it’s still the same world, I don’t know. It’s just like, dang.
I guess that’s kind of the thing, too, you know, unless something really great and awesome happens to me. That you know where I get to see the kids more often, that would be awesome. And uh, maybe find. A lady that would be great, you know, and find some kind of success with my music even though I’m not fucking with it right now and I should be I’m making a blog post, you know? It’s like well if All I’m going to do is work at a car factory and be by myself all the time and tired. You know, that’s a big reason why I’ve been kind of down lately, uh, for a while actually. I’ve been really sad overall for a long time for about 10 years.
I have this just but it’s circumstances. It’s not my brain. It’s not a defect within my brain. It’s like, well, I did all this crap. And it blew up in my face and it’s all I cared about and I’m just kind of like, I don’t know what else to do and then I get tired and I get sad and
It gets old. Yeah, it gets really old.
And you know, after a point, I know. Yeah. Um, It’s just like what the hell am I still doing here? You know I mean what good am I doing any? Any body or anything? I mean besides like,
I don’t know. But I do miss my kids and that’s 1 thing though if I would have had any idea.
That I was going to be off tonight. I probably would have went to my son’s soccer game. You know, I was just like dang I woke up and got around and by the time it all hit me, you know, it was too late to go.
And I was so tired, you know?
Oh, I got up and I made myself walk around the block and that made me happy. And uh, then I went out to Publix and got some food. I’m fixing to eat some of it because all I did was eat those cupcakes when I got back and passed out.
For a couple of hours.
Yeah, I don’t know.
And I can say, like, whatever you know like uh, about Brittany and all that, but I really do. Wish we would have been ended up together, like, I don’t think it would have been
Horrible, a nightmare. I would have just mashed her and petted her and kissed her all the time.
I don’t know, she might have stabbed me for it or something or Fucking. I have no idea. Makes me really sad.
It was such a huge like thing for me. I don’t know. And it might not have been for her, but then why does she still peck on my blog? You know, And that might just be some of her being even more mean. I was like, well, I can totally string this guy along still because he’s stupid.
That gets old too. Yeah.
Oh,
I said, well I could just make a sandwich.
And I don’t feel like doing anything like just laying there and resting. Like making. A blog post and that’s about it. I don’t know. I’m just really tired.
What else can I say? I don’t know. I’m just like dang.
I guess life gets so boring to me to an extent because I’m just always by myself that I start like looking at reality itself and where the hell am I and all that?
And uh, it’s like well.
Wish I wasn’t so tired. Yeah that’s uh really need to At least try to record something.
Right? Yeah, maybe I don’t know.
I think it’s kind of sad. I don’t know a lot of ways that uh I just haven’t gotten to
To really do my music and stuff like I want ever my whole life. It’s always been something, you know, now that I’ve got to where I, you would think I could, I’m like,
You know. Tired or uh, having problems with my voice or something stupid. So I mean that’s, you know, and then like the 1 thing I do is that I feel like the real is the only important. The best thing I ever did was make the kids and I get to see them, you know. Got them 2 weeks ago.
I don’t know that I’m going to be able to afford to get them this weekend either, you know? I mean it’s just like I never see them. I’m not a part of their daily lives. Makes me feel pointless.
That makes me want to, you know, question like why the hell am I here all the time? It’s like well if I’m not going to get to do like why am I here? What the fuck? And that’s uh yeah that’s what I struggle with a lot.
And I do blabber about a lot of the same things over and over and over.
Sometimes I look at it and it’s funny. It’s like yeah, whatever. And then sometimes I look at it it’s like well, it’s also Really dumb.
But uh, I’m not
I don’t know. It’s like part of me wants to just stop talking about it, you know, wrap this up and then it’s like, well no I want to keep talking, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I guess I can make another post later. Yep.
I guess, uh, another thing I just, I want to do stuff but I don’t want to get all wound up on caffeine.
12:33 AM
I feel like uh, I need to just rest, it would actually be better for me to rest.
A little
Yeah, whatever. I don’t know!
Thank you, please.
