5:43 PM
Well, I guess.
I guess I’m just going to use this phone. What am I doing?
Sad.
Sad, sad. Sad. Sad. Sad sad. My phone.
Is broken, the other phone and then I had to get out my old phone and Then I remembered why I didn’t use my old phone because it doesn’t charge very well. And I have a tablet. That I’m going to use.
For something like a phone.
Until I get paid next week, and I can buy another cheap phone. And that’s how it’s going to be. For a while.
I’ve been working out.
Trying to cheer myself up. I walked
Uh well more than around the block. Yeah I took a different route. Actually my route now, involves the mountain that I walked up. Uh guess it’s been a couple of weekends.
No it was just last weekend. Yeah that I did and that changed my whole route. I was like and I like this better and then I went down a road That I thought went out came out somewhere, but guess what? No, and so I ended up walking about another mile or so extra. Yep, and saw a bunch of trick-or-treaters and that just reminded me. I saw this person dressed as Santa Claus, Playing basketball. And I have to like I’m gonna have to upload that hang on.
5:45 PM
Okay, yeah. Uh, what did that I had to? Uh,
Upload that video to
Instagram and Facebook or whatever.
As silly as that was. You know, it only made me like laugh for a second and then I was, uh, I’m just like blah again.
Well, you know, I hope my kids have fun. It really sucks for me, though, because I have been looking forward to this for It’s just picking everything up. Oh, I had been looking forward to it for, uh, you know, over a month, I had a costume together and And they were all like. Yeah, Dad, yay, Dad, and then like right before, you know, it’s just okay, you know?
Okay. Y’all. Yeah like, um.
Just don’t think they have any idea how sad.
And dejected I feel and depressed all day, I have been just
It sucks. I’m I’m not trying to wallow in it or anything. I’ve tried to do stuff to make myself happy.
I made that post earlier and uh, I went to Publix, they didn’t have those. Fucking Satan created. Raspberry tarts. That I usually get. So I drove up to another 1 and got them. And then I went and got lottery tickets.
And then I came back and
Laid here and got really sad. And so I decided I would get up and lift weights, and I did that for a minute and then I went walking and well, I guess. Yeah, that’s that’s been my whole day. Trying to distract myself. It’s just, I’m just sad. It’s like I had this Whole bunch of shit. You know, I was gonna do and I was So happy yesterday that I was getting on everybody’s nerves. I was like, Yay. I’m finally going to get to go. Do something fun with the kids for Halloween.
I’m going to dress up this time and it’s on a Saturday. I don’t have to miss work or anything and Gosh, you know, it’s like
That’s just my fucking stupid ass life.
Yep. And, you know, I really do. I just feel like there’s something wrong with me. It’s like gosh, I must Really be. I must just really be a fucking Total piece of shit you know and I feel like I am not a great dad at all. I mean, at 1 time, I was But the last few years, it’s like I have said, I’m in the background. It’s ironic because they really are the only things keeping me here.
I guess, you know, that won’t last forever.
I mean being here? Yeah. Gosh, it’s been so hard some days. It’s just a real struggle and it’s bad when something Like this happens because it’s like it was all I was looking forward to I was like all week all week long. And I was stressed out about the trench coat and then Tuesday I got it and I was like insanely happy. And now it’s just, uh,
It’s like, no.
So, anyways, that’s, that’s where I’m at right now on on a Saturday night, Halloween. When You know, I could like pull myself, put everything together.
And um,
And I could try to go out and have fun somewhere but I just don’t care. Yep, I don’t care. Maybe I’ll work on music or something. I just
I just don’t care today and I passed by a bunch of trick-or-treaters on the way home and that made me really depressed even more
If I didn’t think it would be a horrible idea and I would be insanely hung over tomorrow. I would get drunk. Yeah. But uh,
My roommates are going to go out to a party. At least other people are going to have fun, you know. I just I just can’t put into words how uh,
What a a terrible horrible blow that was to my like. Sense of self-worth. Yeah, it it just
I haven’t been this sad about anything in a long, long time. You know. Not like this. Yeah, it’s it’s different. You know, when I freak out and run away from chicks and feel you know, want to blow my brains out over that it’s really kind of stupid but like when it has something to do with my kids it just that’s when It really matters, and it just makes me feel like the shittiest stupidest. Dad the worst fucking just the biggest fuck up in the whole world and that’s how I feel right now and I hate myself. A lot more than Normal. And I guess that’s enough.
I don’t know, I don’t know what else to say.
Thank you, please.
